Wishing for a Rainbow...

It's definitely spring.  So many announcements of new babies on their way.  Those tend to sting a bit.  There are a few that don't, but only because they are Rainbow Babies.  There isn't a point at which I could ever begrudge a fellow BLM a new Rainbow.  It makes me happy for them...and it makes my heart yearn that much more to stop adding to the pot of gold at the END of the Rainbow, but to actually achieve getting my very own Rainbow HERE IN MY ARMS, alive, and healthy!  I can't even begin to tell you the pull on my heart to have a Rainbow of my very own.  I just pray that it happens someday SOON!  This broken heart needs some happiness.  *sigh*

Live, Laugh, Love....

Peach

Infertility & Puppies

How ironic is life?  Here we have struggled for 6 years to get pregnant and carry to term with nothing but a string of 19 losses to show for it.  Just as I lose the last one, my dog gets pregnant.  REALLY??  Why is it that dogs never have fertility issues??  You never see that.  It's all so implicitly simple for them.  Makes you wonder what it is that keeps them fertile while we struggle.  So, now I have to watch my dog go through a pregnancy that will probably require her going through a c-section (she is tiny and the sire is HUGE...this was NOT planned).  Don't get me wrong, everyone loves puppies, but it's just more salt in the wound for me.  BLAH!  Thanks, life, for rubbing it in.

Peach

Why Can't I Let It Go?

After so many losses, you would think that I could just let go of my desire to have a baby. Even after promising myself I am done, I still dream about having another baby, dream about getting positive pregnancy tests, and still have the desire to try to get pregnant. Why can't I get it through my thick head that it's never going to happen without help? I decided that I would focus on getting everything in the right ranges, chart for a while longer and then look into IUI or IVF, or even surrogacy. I have a while before we can do anything like that, though. It will take a while to raise the money to be able to afford that. So, I will keep blogging about what I am doing to get healthy and to balance hormones, vitamins, and to regulate my cycle. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else get their rainbow or their long awaited baby. Good luck to all of you trying to conceive, no matter your circumstances!!

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Hopes & Dreams Dashed Again

As per usual with me, we have miscarried again. I'm done. I can't do this any more. There comes a time when you realize you are broken and can't be fixed. I guess I am there. Good luck to those of you still trying. May you soon hold your precious babes in your arms.

Peach

A Little Celebrating...

Well, I got results back yesterday on my blood draw. My Progesterone was 18.4 (WOOT!!!) and my HCG was 4097!!!! I am literally OVER THE MOON!! I think this may REALLY be our sticky baby!! I'm not going all out celebrating just yet, though. We've had a healthy pregnancy before and still miscarried, so I'm still waiting, but the news did make me happy!! Please keep praying for us as we go through this journey. Pray that whatever happens, I have the strength to get through it! EDD: October 1, 2013!! WOOT!

5w4d!

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

The Waiting Game

Well, I'm 5w1d, today. I feel like I am playing the waiting game...just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I check every time I go to the bathroom to make sure I haven't started bleeding, yet. It's scary being pregnant again after so many losses. I'm so grateful to have all my fellow BLMs and friends along this journey with me. I think I might go insane with worry otherwise! So my HCG is more than doubling like it is supposed to. The first draw was 37, the 2nd draw was 101. I had another draw today and I'm hoping that it is over 1000...anything from 808 on up would actually be ok. My progesterone was a little low at 10. So I'm hoping that it has increased since last week. I should get my numbers back either today or tomorrow morning. It's hard to wait for results. Please continue to pray that this is our sticky bean. We need all the help we can get! That's all for today...just a quick update.

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Surprise!

Yup, that's mine. I got that surprise a few days ago. We were waiting until February to really start trying, but apparently, someone had other plans. I didn't think it was possible at all this month, which just shows me how much I know. I won't break into how happy I am or what a miracle this is because, frankly, I'm terrified. Who with my track record wouldn't be?? So, all I can say, is please, please pray for us. I am not sure I'm strong enough to handle another loss...seriously. The last one did a number on me...or maybe it was all of them just culminating at the same time. I don't know. All I know is that I am NOT going to stress this time. I can't change it one way or the other. What is going to be, will be. Just pray that no matter what, God gives me strength and endurance to be able to handle what He has planned for me.

I just wanted to update with the surprise...so there you have it. We're preggo...AGAIN. Now to wait and see what happens.

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

A Renewed Hope

Today or tomorrow, sometime, I should greet AF. That will mark day 1 of a new cycle and the official start of us trying again. I heard a story today of another couple that has gone through multiple losses like me, after trying for 15 years, and yesterday they got their Rainbow!! I'm so happy! If they can find their rainbow after 15 years of trying and 10 losses, maybe there is still hope for me!! I love hearing happy endings like that!! I would LOVE for that to happen here. Maybe this is why I can't give up? I don't know, but it definitely made me smile and made me ecstatic for them!!

Yesterday was my birthday, which for the most part was not good due to allergies and life junk in general. My husband came home last night around 10:30p and woke me up with a beautiful card and a necklace that had a charm of 2 16th notes on it! My love in life is music. Anyone that knows me, knows that. He wrote the sweetest note in the most amazing card. I honestly LOVE that man!! <3

Tonight, we are going out with some fellow fire wives and their firefighters...and a couple of other friends. It's going to be so much fun! We are going to dinner at BJ's Brewhouse and then to sing karaoke, have drinks, and play pool at Club 155. It promises to be a BLAST!

I'll keep you up to date on our TTC. KYFX that we get our rainbow SOON! I don't know how much longer I can take TTC. It honestly makes me feel crazy. Until next time...

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Fighting The POAS Addiction

In previous posts, you've heard me talk about being a POAS addict. Well, in gearing up for our first cycle back TTC, I bought 50 HPTs. I got them yesterday. KNOWING full well that there was no chance this month, I still want to POAS and see a blazing BFP. Why does this happen? I just don't understand. This makes me feel like a total head case! LOL DH and I have literally not had but maybe 4 BDing sessions this cycle. It's pretty much impossible. But still, I have taken 2 tests...the first one a BFN, but MAYBE I saw something (rolling my eyes at myself, now). So, the next morning, I use FMU and still, MAYBE I see something. So, I take a few pics with my phone, plug it into my computer and start tweaking it. I play with the settings in photoshop for probably 2 hours and convince myself there actually is something there (although I know it's just an indent from where they put the dye strip). So, I go back every few hours or so to look at it, see if I can still see my phantom line and then sit there wondering and hoping. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??? *sigh* Why is it that TTC makes you crazy?? Why can't it be just as easy as your mother told you it was in High School to get pregnant? "It only takes one time of not being careful, honey! Just PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE always be careful if you decide to have sex with someone!" my mom said. Little did she know that it would take me a minimum of 6 years to conceive! UGH! Ok, so I'm going to try to get my head straightened out and convince myself I'm being completely irrational. I'm going to convince myself that the little sticks in the bathroom on the shelf are indeed blank in the test field and that I NEED to throw them away and save me tests for later next cycle when there might actually BE A REAL CHANCE that I might get preggo. Hopefully, tomorrow, I can ignore the beckoning of the sticks. I need to ignore it...so Lord, GIVE ME STRENGTH AND PATIENCE...AND HURRY!!!

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Hello Again...

OK, so it's been a while since I've posted...I needed some time to try to heal. May 14th I miscarried again. That pregnancy was the longest we have managed to carry since we started trying. I made it 7 weeks and 2 days. We actually caught the baby as I passed it. We named it Liberty Hope after much discussion. The entire 2011-2012 election cycle was spent working to preserve liberty and hoping that we would make a difference and wake people up to the fact that our liberty is being eroded on a daily basis, not just by the current administration, but by Republicans as well. We fought hard...within the rules, only to have them changed and all our efforts thrown back at us. Liberty is dying here and so is hope. So, we chose Liberty Hope for our baby. We haven't really tried again, but we never prevent, so in a sense, we are always trying.

With this being a new year, I decided to take a new approach. I found a LOVELY group of Firefighter Wives (since my hubs is a firefighter), and have decided to take on the Fit Fire Wives Challenge. I am working out everyday, using MyFitnessPal to track what I eat, all in hopes of becoming a healthier me. We'll see how it goes. I have to say, though, that the Fire Wives have helped me not to focus so much on loss, but to look to the future, and to be in the present. I love them immensely! I'm so glad I found them! If you are married to a firefighter, dating a firefighter, or engaged to a firefighter, you should join us on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/firefighterwife/

As for TTC, I think we will start REALLY trying after Feb 10, 2013. That is our 6 year anniversary, and that will give me more time to lose some weight, be in better shape, and MAYBE make a difference in how things go. I hope all of you have a wonderful new year, get the babies you so desperately want, and find true happiness!

Live, laugh, and love,

Peach

Help Me Go To Tampa For The RNC National Convention!

In the time I have taken away from my blog, I have been working for several campaigns and have been a delegate to my Senate District Convention, State Convention, and I made it as an At-Large Alternate Delegate to the National Convention!! This is a HUGE accomplishment! It is also a MAJOR financial commitment. We had the cost of the trip covered until our business had a major deal with a Super PAC fall through. Now, I'm in a bind trying to get the funds together. So, I thought I would start a chip in and pray that we can get most if not all of the trip taken care of. I appreciate ANY help you are willing to give! No amount is too small...it all adds up! Thank you in advance and PLEASE feel free to share my blog page for this chip in with others!! Thank you!!!








For a breakdown of expenses:

Texas Delegation hotel is Saddlebrook Resort $220/nt with a 5 night minimum.

Lodging: $1100

Hotel on the road (2 nights; 1 on the way to and 1 on the way from):$200

Food for 2 for 10 days (driving from Dallas, TX to Tampa, FL and back): $400

Gas 2206 miles round trip plus driving in Tampa 47 miles each day (235 + 2206= 2441 miles)19 miles to the gallon @ $4.00/gal: $471.79

Rental car with insurance, taxes, and fees at 12 days: $1544.28

Total is $3716.07

No More Miracles For Me

I started bleeding yesterday.  I've been dreading this moment.  Nothing like going to the bathroom in a public place and finding out you've started bleeding....then having to finish your shopping trip and trying not to cry. I wanted to punch something, cry, scream, ANYTHING, but I didn't.  I just told my husband and walked through the store completely unaware of anything else going on around me.  My heart was shattering for the 16th time and this time I'm not sure it will recover.  I knew better than to get excited, but we had a doc appt and everything was fine on Monday.  I was so happy that we might have had a chance.  When will I learn?  I came home and laid down...slept for a few hours and woke up to heavier bleeding. We went to the ER only to confirm my suspicions, this is actually the end.  I just want to go to bed and never get up.  I just don't care about the world any more.  My heart is broken and my baby is gone.

Sometimes Miracles DO Happen...

Well, we've been taking time off from TTC trying to get my hormones back in order after having a new doc really mess them up.  I went from 32 day cycles to 16 day cycles for 4 cycles.  This cycle I got back on the right dose of progesterone and my cycle decided to straighten out.  I ran out of progesterone at 9 DPO.  I was pretty sure this was going to totally screw my cycle over.  So here I sit at 14 DPO and no AF.  Nope...she hasn't showed her ugly face and guess what?  SHE'S NOT GOING TO!!  We're PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!  We got the surprise this morning.  I sat there shaking as I saw the line develop.  It was very faint, but dark enough to see and to tell it was absolutely pink!  HOLY COW!!!  How did that happen??  We weren't even trying this time!!  I mean obviously we weren't preventing, but we were definitely not trying like we have been either.  I'm so scared right now.  I'm afraid to get real excited or anything...especially since I'm not on progesterone right now.  I am, however, going to pick that up tonight.  WHOA...what a day!!  I'm praying that this rainbow will be my sticky baby.  I honestly don't know if I can handle another miscarriage, but I am SO READY for this baby.  Please keep me in your prayers and be praying this is the stickiest baby EVER!!!  I'm 4 weeks on the nose today!!!  WOOT!  I'll keep you posted as things progress.  Oh and my due date is supposed to be Halloween!!  LOL

In the mean time, I am now the State Coordinator for the Glenn Addison U.S. Senate Campaign.  If you are from Texas, I encourage you to check him out.  He is a strict Constitutionalist!!  Glenn Addison for U.S. Senate

Blog Award!

Here are the rules:                                                                      

1. Thank the person who gave you the award
2. List 7 things people may not know about you
3. Pass it on to 5 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them     
   
   
   

I'm extending a "Thank You!" To Nicole from her blog Happily Ever After.  Please check out her blog!  I met Nicole through BabyCenter.  She has been going through some fertility issues and has had a pretty rough go of it.  She has Endometriosis and had to have surgery to have it removed.  She is currently back to TTC, so please, feel free to follow her journey as well!

1.  I have a sister that is 19 months older than me.  She and I grew up extremely close and are still best friends even though we disagree on quite a few things.  My sister has 5 kids, all oops babies...lol  I could only wish to be fertile like that!
Here is a picture of my beautiful sister:


2.  I hate having my picture taken!  I am a camera phobe!  I've been this way since gaining so much weight.  I don't think I'll ever like getting my picture taken ever again!

3.  I LOVE to bake!  I'm a person that could spend all day in kitchen making breads, pastries, and cookies for everyone else to eat.  (Except the cookies!  If I make them, they are MINE!  COOOOOOOKIE!!!  LOL)

4.  I have a calico cat named Callie.  She is super smart and thinks she is human.  I got her from my sister and am very thankful!  She's the best cat I have ever had and I don't know what I would do without her to keep me entertained!  LOL  Here is a pic of Callie:





5.  I also have a pitt bull named Avalanche, but we call her Ava for short.  I rescued her when she was about 4 weeks old from some guys that were being mean to her.  She is so sweet, but right now is living with my mom because I have nowhere to keep her where we currently live.  I'm hoping I can bring her home REALLY soon!  Here is my Ava Lou:



6.  I play the French Horn and have for 27 almost 28 years now.  It is my passion!  I could not live without my horn or music in general.  I also sing, but it pales in comparison to playing my horn!  Here is a pic of me playing my horn quite a few years back. (Like I said I'm a camera phobe!)


7.  I belong to the National Honorary Band Fraternity, Kappa Kappa Psi.  It is something I am VERY proud of and hope to stay involved in for the rest of my life.  I was part of the founding line at my college.  Here is a picture of our founding line:






Other Great Blogs I follow:

www.peacebegan.com  This the my friend Brittany's blog.  She has been through a lot, like me.  This blog is her story of  her journey through pregnancy and loss.




http://survivingmiscarriages.blogspot.com  This is my friend Jessica's blog.  She has had 3 losses and is currently pregnant with her son Logan.  This blog is the story of her survival and journey to her take home baby.


http://aidanbabyofmine.blogspot.com  This is Emily's blog.  I don't know Emily other than through her blog.  I've been following it for a while, now.  The story is heart breaking and joyful at points, too.  It's most definitely worth the read!!


http://buchananmama.blogspot.com  This is one of my dearest friends' blog.  Beth and I met almost 2 years ago on BabyCenter and have been close friends ever since.  This is a blog about life in general with 2 babies, at home. (Well, one toddler and a baby.)



http://dearbabycook.blogspot.com  This is my friend Kristin's blog.  This is her story through pregnancy, loss, grief, and her journey back to finding joy and happiness once again.  Kristin started the Faces of Loss Faces of Hope website that I talk about so often.  She is an amazing woman!  I met Kristin through a fellow BLM and must say she has a very inspiring story!  This is also a must read!!