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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Remembering My Glory Babies

Today was the Glory Babies Remembrance Walk at the Children's Park.  It was such a beautiful ceremony and walk!!  They talked about grief and loss, they had music, signing (as in sign language), they had signs with different scriptures and sayings on them that had to do with loss and grief.  There were battenburg lace angels that they had made for each baby represented there that we hung on the Angel Tree at the park.  When they read your baby's name, you walked across the little bridge down the path and hung the angel on the tree and then you walked the rest of the path back to where they had everyone seated.  Then they did a live butterfly release that was amazing!!  We got 2 and ours just hung around with us after letting them go.  Mine flew out of my hand and then came back a landed on the chair next to me.  My DH put his hand down to pick it up and it walked right onto his hand and then came to me and hung out on my hand and shoulder...and my chair.  It was awesome.  As many tears that flowed today, it was beautiful and I'm so glad I went.

I hope if you have experienced a loss you will find a remembrance walk near you and even if you missed it this year, do it next time.  It's a beautiful way to remember your babies and you meet so many others that have gone through what you are going through or have been through.  I would also encourage you to find a group near you whether a Glory Babies group or just a loss group.  It will not only help you, but you could very well help someone else through their grief.  I will leave you with a few pictures from the Glory Babies Walk.  Please, if you haven't, check out their page:  Glory Babies

Monday, October 17, 2011

Learning From Other's Losses

So, I spent the entire night reading the blog of someone I go to church with.  I had NO IDEA that she was going through so much pain and sorrow.  I knew of her, but hadn't taken the time to get to REALLY know her.  Last night my DH called me after he left church (I didn't go for several reasons...allergies, miscarriage, reclusiveness). He told me he had met a couple that night and that I really needed to talk to this lady.  He gave me a little background and with just that info I started to cry.  I wasn't alone!!!  There was a real tangible person here in my town in my church going through the same thing!!!!  I hate that she is going through it, too, but I am so glad to know that I am not alone!  I have felt so alone this past week.  Alone, angry, sad, and defeated.  I have cried so much.  I've been trying to down play it, but this one has really done a number on me.  So anyway, I emailed the lady, "B", and told her that I knew her pain and her fears...that I knew of places that could help...groups to be in with women just like us!  Here, I thought I was helping her....HA!  God really does have a sense of humor!!  So, she told our group about her blog and I decided to go and read some before meeting her face-to-face when I go to my first Glory Babies meeting on Tuesday.  Anyway, I spent the entire night reading about her experience with pregnancy loss and baby loss.  At first, I felt like I was so unworthy to get to know this woman that was so strong and pulling so much wisdom from her losses.  I felt like I was doing this all wrong.  She was so purposeful and the things she wrote helped me to look at things a little differently, but still I felt like maybe I couldn't relate to this woman because her pain seemed less raw and angry and more enlightened.  How on earth was I going to talk to her in the state that I am in??  I kept reading and connecting with where she was in her journey.  I know how hard it is to hit milestones and to have days that you didn't plan on being hard days, be hard days.  I was in awe of this woman's grace and faith....and a little put off by it, to be honest.  I honestly felt like I was totally beneath her.  It made me want to be more like her....more graceful, more purposeful.  Honestly, I still don't know how to get there.  I'm having such a hard time just making it through 1 day!  By the time I had gotten to 2011's posts on her blog I found me.  She had experienced another loss and somewhere beneath all the purpose and wisdom came the utter raw grief that I am dealing with.  Honest emotion and grief that I could completely relate to.  It made me breathe a sigh of relief knowing that maybe I wouldn't feel so gruff and raw around her after all.  Maybe she really DID know what I'm feeling.  My heart breaks for her because I KNOW what she is feeling.  I KNOW how hard it is to go through the things she has had to endure...one after another....time and time again.  She literally asked some of the same questions I've been asking, said some of the same things I've been telling myself and God.  So maybe I'm not so horrible after all??  I can't wait to talk to her today or tomorrow.  I hope that I will have something profound to say that can help her, but in all reality...SHE helped me!!  I learned that no matter how put together on the outside someone is, they may be falling apart inside.  I learned that even the best Christians have times when they need to get up and run out of church because it stings too much to stay.  I learned that even the best Christians can stumble and fall and lose their way when faced with so much grief and pain.  Then I learned that even amidst all of this, God is STILL at our sides...where He has been the WHOLE time...walking with us, crying with us, holding us.  Our grief brings us closer to Him through humility, and through his mercy and grace.  We get a better look at who our God REALLY is and what He has really done for us.  This doesn't come immediately....it is ALWAYS in HIS time, not ours.  Rest assured that one day we will KNOW His plan for us and that it will be better than anything we can imagine.  Is getting to that point easy?  NO!  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  We will cry, scream, throw our hands up, beg for mercy, and ask more questions than we really want answers to, but EVENTUALLY we will get our answers...when HE is ready to give them.

I really needed to read all of these to give me some perspective...to open my eyes to other's pain and not just focus on my own.  I wish I had known what she was going through so I could have been there with her helping her in any way I could.  I'm not sure what kind of help I would have been, but I do know that it helps to know you are NOT alone!!  That much I could have done for her.

I will let you know how my meeting with "B" goes and how the Glory Babies meeting goes, as well.  I am really afraid that I will end up just bawling my eyes out and being a big cry baby or whiner...I hope not, but since that is how I have been for a week, I will probably be just that.  Oh LORD, give me strength to walk through what I must walk through...give me wisdom to say the things that I need to say to the people that need to hear them.  Help me, O LORD, to be a light to others for You!!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Recovering From Loss #15

I've taken about a week off from posting just to try and regroup after this miscarriage.  Sometimes it is so hard to start over.  I looked at my arsenal and just didn't feel like I wanted to do this again, but from somewhere deep inside me that voice spoke and the drive bubbled up...so here we go again.  I am currently CD8 and on day 6 of  an extended dose of Clomid (days 3-9 at 100mg).  I don't really expect this to do anything but help with my stupid progesterone levels.  I really don't think we'll get a sticky bean until maybe December.  I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

I got to thinking today that all of the ladies that I started this journey with have had their babies or are pregnant.  ALL of those children will be AT LEAST a year old before I ever get to hold my own baby.  Talk about depressing!!  Who knew it would be such a long hard journey for someone that has had 3 oops babies!  I guess it was just time for me to pay my dues??  Well, I'm done paying my dues!!  I've had 15 losses...isn't that enough??  I don't know many women that have paid dues to that extent!  Isn't it my turn, yet??  I guess I'm at the anger stage in my grief...I apologize.

Yesterday, we did the candle lighting for the International Wave of Light to commemorate Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  It was such a beautiful night.  We were out at Lake Palestine and decided to get some pink and blue birthday candles and put them through a styrofoam plate so they would stand up, put another plate under them and tape them together and set them to float on the lake.  I knew they wouldn't burn long, but that just seemed appropriate for all my early losses.  So, we did that and took pictures as they floated out to the center of the lake.  It was a little breezy out, but not one candle was blown out.  It was perfect.  This year was a little more difficult than others since I was/am still going through this miscarriage.  I've been a little more emotional than I thought I would be.  I didn't cry when we lit the candles...I didn't cry until later.  When we got home and I posted a video for the song "Held" by Natalie Grant.  That song is so true for me.  No one ever promised that this would be easy.  No one said we wouldn't go through rough times, but God did promise He would be there with us through all our trials, grief, and pain.  He will hold us as a father holds his child.  How comforting that thought is.

I hope that you will all remember to talk about Infant Loss and Pregnancy Loss!  There is no reason for us to go through it alone.  It should never be taboo to talk about your pain!  So, do something to help out awareness.  Post something on Facebook about it, do a walk to remember even if you've never lost a child, or if you know someone who has lost a pregnancy or child, talk to them...don't shun them because you are afraid you will hurt them more or because it's uncomfortable for you to talk about it.  Trust me, we haven't forgotten about our lost children.  We can talk about them!  Who knows, you might just help someone through their pain.  I'll leave you with the song I told you about.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Destruction of Hope

Well, as luck would have it, we just experienced our 15th loss.  Again the issue was my progesterone.  This is getting so old!!!  So now, we are trying Clomid.  We will be doing days 3-9 unmonitored and with no trigger.  We'll see what this does, but I don't really see it helping.  Just wanted to update everyone.  I'll try to post more often this cycle.  It's just been really rough lately.  I'll be CD3 tomorrow and start the Clomid.