Pictures of Rainbows

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Giving Thanks



Wow, I have a lot to catch you up on.  Let's start with the weeks worth of 30 Days of Thanksgiving that I have neglected to put on here and then I will explain why.

Day 18:  Today I am thankful for the little tidbits of knowledge you learn each day as a mom. It never ceases to amaze me the things we learn on this journey! Onesies can be pulled DOWN!! That's why they have the flaps at the neck like or snaps on the shoulders. Who knew????? LOL

Day 19:  Today I am thankful for Pinterest and all the crafts it has that make great gifts. With the economy being the way it is, I believe most people will resort to making gifts, thus reawakening their sense of creativity helping them to reconnect with the joy of giving something of themselves in each gift. This is how gift giving should be! I think we often times let life get in the way and let money try to speak for us. I think it falls far short of something that we make ourselves!  

Day 20:  Today I am thankful for my wonderful husband that takes care of me when my body decides to fail me. I honestly don't know what I would do without him!!! I love you!

Day 21:  Today I am thankful that there are organizations and programs dedicated to foster the education of music! I am thankful that I belong to one of those, Kappa Kappa Psi. I am thankful for shows like Majors & Minors, too! How awesome to take young kids and really teach them about what they already love to do! THIS is why I want to be a band director someday!!

Day 22:  Today I am thankful for my sweet sister! She has been my best friend, confidant, and giggle buddy for my whole life. I was blessed to be born her sister!! LOVE YOU!!!!! *HUGS*

Day 23:  Today I am thankful that I am only cooking pies and stuffing for our Thanksgiving dinner. I just don't think I could pull off another full blown meal this year. So, I'm thankful for my sister-in-law for cooking it all for me this time! I'm also thankful that I will get to see my "Llama", ex-mother-in-law that I love dearly, and spend some time with her! Thankful for getting to spend time with my mom, and my sister, on Sunday evening for our Thanksgiving at home! I love the holidays because we make a point to spend time with our family so we can enjoy each other. I'm especially thankful that our holidays are not filled with grumbling and complaining and hurt feelings! My family...on BOTH sides is a joy to be with! So, thank you, Lord, for blessing me with such an AWESOME family!

Day 24 (Thanksgiving Day):  Today I am thankful for living in the land of the free, the home of the brave, for everyone taking time to remember why we are all thankful, for the curious nature of explorers, and for the bravery of the Pilgrims who came here to start a new life in a land they new nothing about. I'm also thankful for my family and all the many blessings we all take for granted every day. I'm thankful for our military and their families! Thank you for sacrificing your holidays with your loved ones so we can still celebrate holidays like this in peace. I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving full of blessings, family, friends, love, laughter, and lots of good food! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Ok, now to explain why I have been absent for a week.  I have been dealing with raging allergies and have been in a benadryl coma for the last week.  It's been crazy.  It seems that taking Clomid has thrown my hormones out of whack something fierce and now all my allergies and some new ones are showing their ugly heads.  I was taken off my progesterone for a week while they switch me to a new form, sublingual, in hopes it will work better and get rid of my dyshidrotic eczema.  We went in on Monday and decided on the testing we are doing and tried to get blood.  That was a no go.  I ended up with 4 bruises from that adventure.  Then Tuesday was spent tanking up on water and then trying to draw blood, which failed, and Wednesday I was back at the doctor trying to get my blood drawn again.  They finally got about an inch and a third of blood in a vial and said they hoped that was enough to run all the tests they needed to run.  If not, I'm sure I will get a call on Monday to have it drawn again.  OH THE JOY!  I have 8 bruises now and three of those are VERY painful ones from veins blowing.  I hate being a pin cushion.  Oh, and no, AF has not arrived and I am not pregnant.  It's the hormones holding things off, so if all goes as planned, I will start AF today since I stopped the progesterone Tuesday night.

Anyway, today is Thanksgiving and I hope that all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving that is full of love, laughter, family, friends, joy, and great food!!  HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

More Katchup, Anyone?

30 Days of Thanksgiving:

Day 14:  I am thankful that the suspected return of my milk allergy was not at all a milk allergy!! This means I can eat all my favorites at Thanksgiving dinner!! On the downside, we discovered it is a severe peanut allergy with me going anaphylactic after eating some peanut butter. :( Been a long time since I've had a reaction this bad. I am thankful also that I am married to an EMT and that we had Epi-Pens, Benadryl, and a neb to help combat it!

Day 15:  Today I am thankful for my Glory Babies group! They have helped me so much!! I've only been to 2 meetings and the Children's Park walk and it has helped me!! I hate that other women have gone through what I have, but I'm glad I have them because they understand!

Day 16:  Today I am thankful for advanced medicine. Without it, many women wouldn't be able to have children and many would never know what issues were keeping them from having children and therefore couldn't fix the problem and might remain childless. So I am thankful that there are tests to pinpoint our issues!

Day 17:  Today I am thankful that I am getting to go home for Thanksgiving and be with my family! I don't get to go home much, so each time is special and such a blessing! I can't wait to spend Thanksgiving with my Grandmother, Mom, sister, and my nieces and nephew.

Ok, now that I have caught up again, I must apologize for being gone so long!  I have discovered that I have a peanut allergy!  In true Peach form, I found out the hard way.  I was eating some peanut butter for a snack and all the sudden couldn't breathe and felt like I was being choked. OH THE JOY!  So, I have been in a benadryl coma for the past 3 well, almost 4 days and haven't been online more than a few minutes. 

For those of you stalking my chart, no, AF has not arrived.  Don't get too hopeful, though...haha.  I had a BFN on the 13th, one on the 15th, and another tonight.  I think my O date is off.  Who knows.  I will test again Saturday and see what it says.  Sure it will be BFN, but then I will stop my progesterone to start AF.  So, we'll see what happens.

The plan after AF starts is to get some testing done.  I am going to have a CD3 blood draw for FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone...tells how hard your ovaries are working to make you ovulate) and AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone...tells what the ovarian reserve is).  I am also going to be tested for NK cells (Natural Killer cells...they fight off cancer and other foreign substances that might make you sick).  If you have too many of these, they can attack a pregnancy thinking it is a cancer and will cause you to have multiple miscarriages.  There is a treatment for this, though!  It's IVIg therapy!  We've looked into this therapy before, but for my allergies...so in theory we could kill two birds with one stone!  I am also going to have them test me for RH sensitivity, MTHFR, and Endometriosis.  Those are the last few things I can think of that would keep us from having our take home baby.  So, I will try better to keep up and keep you informed!  I hope everyone is having a good week!!  BABY DUST!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Playing Ketchup....or Mustard If You Like!



I have gotten a little behind here lately.  I do so apologize!  My allergies have been going insane the past 5 days or so and Benadryl has been a constant which means I have been sleeping A LOT!  So, I will attempt to play Ketchup (HA!) or if you aren't fond of that, I'll play Mustard!  :P

30 Days of Thanksgiving-

Day 9:  Today I am thankful for my church! I am thankful that God led us to Southern Oaks Baptist Church and that I have the opportunity to play my horn there and glorify God with this passion! I am thankful for all of the people we have been blessed to meet from there!! I am thankful for my pastor and his wife who so willingly give of themselves tirelessly to be the leaders our church needs!! I LOVE MY CHURCH!!!

Day 10:  I am thankful for cool weather after this long ultra hot summer we had...but I am also thankful for heat to stay warm in said cool weather! I am also thankful for hot tea, hot chocolate, and warm fuzzy socks! :D

Day 11:  Today I am thankful for all our military men and women!! Thank you for the sacrifices you make everyday to assure that we continue to be a free country! I am also thankful for the military families that sacrifice their time with their loved ones so that they can defend us! Having been a military wife for 10 years, I know how difficult it can be! So, THANK YOU!!

Day 12:   Today I am thankful for milk substitutes. Without them life would be really difficult right now. I'm thankful people think of things like almond milk so that I can still have cereal and a glass of milk with a meal!

Day 13:  Today I am thankful for the ability to go to church! In some countries people don't have the ability to worship as they please. I am thankful that I was born in the United States so that I have this right...even if we still have some issues!



As for TTC-  I think that we are going to take a break from ATTC and see about getting some testing done.  I want to get tested for NK cells, RH sensitivity, and Endometriosis.  I think once I have had those done, we should then maybe get an HSG to rule out any blockages from the previous miscarriages and then start trying again.  So, once AF shows, I think that's what we are going to do.  I'm supposedly 15 DPO today which means AF should be here sometime today, but as usual when you are on a progesterone supplement, I think she is going to be late as there was no sign of her this morning.  I did test, though, and it was a glaringly BFN. On to testing for me!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Day 8



Day 8:  Today I am thankful for the rain! With our severe drought, this is definitely a gift from God! So pour down your cleansing rain on us and revive us!! BRING ON THE RAIN!!

Today we had all sorts of storms today!  We needed the rain so bad with this drought we are in.  It was WONDERFUL to have so much rain!  Along with the rain came thunder and lightening!  I LOVE that!!  There were also 3 tornado warnings for my county alone...and all at the SAME time!  Luckily, there was no damage to anything...at least that was reported!  PRAISE GOD!

Today was also voting day!!  There were 10 propositions on the ballot for amendments to the State Constitution.  Let's just say I am less than pleased with the results that are coming in.  People keep screaming for less government and less taxes, but yet they voted to expand government and raise taxes.  I hate the "Sheeple" phenomenon.  You should read the propositions and KNOW what they are about before just taking someone else's word on how you should vote!!  Use YOUR brain to make your OWN decisions!!  I wish people would just WAKE UP!  Oh well...nothing I can do about it now, I voted and knew what I was voting for or against.  That's pretty much all I could do.

As far as TTC goes, I'm 10 DPO and hoping that the next 4 days FLY by!  I am ready for AF to show and to maybe stop TTC for a few months while I lose some of this weight.  Maybe that will help me in the long run.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Days 6 & 7

I missed posting day 6!  So, I will catch it up now.

Day 6-  Today, I am thankful for BENADRYL!! Without this, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be able to deal with my stupid allergies! Thanks for making this medicine and thanks for the sleep that goes with it!!



Day 7-  Today I am thankful for MUSIC! I am thankful that God gave me the gift of music so that I can play the French horn, several other instruments, and sing! Music is my life!! I'm so blessed to be able to honor Him with this gift!


"Praise him with the sound of the trumpet: praise him with the psaltery and harp. Praise him with the timbrel and dance: praise him with stringed instruments and organs. Praise him upon the loud cymbals: praise him upon the high sounding cymbals. Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD."

Psalms 150:3-6


As for TTC-  I am 9 DPO today.  I really am not feeling like this cycle will be good.  I just have a feeling we will be waiting until March to get our sticky bean.  I'm ok with that...I think.  I plan on passing the time doing some holiday crafts and packing up the house to get ready to move again.  Hopefully, we will find out perfect house in the country.  I know God knows where we are supposed to be, so we will just trust that where ever we end up it was all part of His plan.

So, if you are following me on Pinterest, you have seen some of the crafts I have in mind.  I am thinking about doing some adorable paper pumpkins and some pine cone turkeys for my Thanksgiving table.  They just look like so much fun!!  I also plan on making some awesome recipes I have come across!  I LOVE this time of year!  Yes, THANKSGIVING is my holiday of choice!!  



Saturday, November 5, 2011

Day 5

Today I am thankful for my precious children, both here and in heaven.  My heart is so full of love for all of you!!  Mommy misses you with you are not here and cherishes the time that you are!  I thank God for you EVERY day...each and every one of you!!

As for TTC:  I am 7DPO today.  I'm trying to be patient and just sail on through the 2WW, but man on man, it's HARD!  I want to either move on to the next cycle or know that I'm pregnant.  I'm so impatient!

I have joined Pinterest for those of you that are on there.  I have been looking at crafts to do for the holidays and think I have found a few I want to try.  I think they will be fun!!  If you have any ideas for crafts, please send me links to them!!  I love finding new things to do!!

Friday, November 4, 2011

30 Days of Thanksgiving Days 3 and 4

‎30 Days of Thanksgiving- Day 3: Today I am thankful for my wonderful husband. He puts up with me no matter what and loves me like no other. He is my best friend, my soul mate, and most importantly....my love! I thank God for him EVERY day!

‎30 Days of Thanksgiving- Day 4: Today I am thankful for the rainbows that follow the storms!

It is an amazing thing to see so many Rainbows make it earthside safely!  This week alone, my BLM group has had 3!!  How amazing is that?  Someday, I know I will get my rainbow that is a take home baby!  I just wish it wasn't taking so long.  Like my husband said, "It's a good thing your name isn't Patience!"  Yeah, I'm not very patient!    I'm 6DPO and ready to get to the testing part!!!!  I hate the 2WW!!  

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

30 Days of Thanksgiving



I decided to challenge myself this year and do 30 days of Thanksgiving.  Maybe this will help me to feel better and to not dwell on the things that have had me so down.  I would encourage all of you to do the same.  Just take 30 days to be thankful for whatever you are thankful for.  I'm using it as my status on Facebook each day.

So, yesterday's was :  I am thankful for all my family both near and far!

Today's is:  I am thankful for all my friends near, far, IRL, and OL!  I don't know what I would do without you!!

I have so much to be thankful for, I am not sure that 30 days will be enough.  We'll see!

So, as of right now, I am 4DPO.  Nothing much to report there, yet.  10 days until testing....and it always feels like an eternity!  I'll keep you posted!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Remembering My Glory Babies

Today was the Glory Babies Remembrance Walk at the Children's Park.  It was such a beautiful ceremony and walk!!  They talked about grief and loss, they had music, signing (as in sign language), they had signs with different scriptures and sayings on them that had to do with loss and grief.  There were battenburg lace angels that they had made for each baby represented there that we hung on the Angel Tree at the park.  When they read your baby's name, you walked across the little bridge down the path and hung the angel on the tree and then you walked the rest of the path back to where they had everyone seated.  Then they did a live butterfly release that was amazing!!  We got 2 and ours just hung around with us after letting them go.  Mine flew out of my hand and then came back a landed on the chair next to me.  My DH put his hand down to pick it up and it walked right onto his hand and then came to me and hung out on my hand and shoulder...and my chair.  It was awesome.  As many tears that flowed today, it was beautiful and I'm so glad I went.

I hope if you have experienced a loss you will find a remembrance walk near you and even if you missed it this year, do it next time.  It's a beautiful way to remember your babies and you meet so many others that have gone through what you are going through or have been through.  I would also encourage you to find a group near you whether a Glory Babies group or just a loss group.  It will not only help you, but you could very well help someone else through their grief.  I will leave you with a few pictures from the Glory Babies Walk.  Please, if you haven't, check out their page:  Glory Babies








Monday, October 17, 2011

Learning From Other's Losses

So, I spent the entire night reading the blog of someone I go to church with.  I had NO IDEA that she was going through so much pain and sorrow.  I knew of her, but hadn't taken the time to get to REALLY know her.  Last night my DH called me after he left church (I didn't go for several reasons...allergies, miscarriage, reclusiveness). He told me he had met a couple that night and that I really needed to talk to this lady.  He gave me a little background and with just that info I started to cry.  I wasn't alone!!!  There was a real tangible person here in my town in my church going through the same thing!!!!  I hate that she is going through it, too, but I am so glad to know that I am not alone!  I have felt so alone this past week.  Alone, angry, sad, and defeated.  I have cried so much.  I've been trying to down play it, but this one has really done a number on me.  So anyway, I emailed the lady, "B", and told her that I knew her pain and her fears...that I knew of places that could help...groups to be in with women just like us!  Here, I thought I was helping her....HA!  God really does have a sense of humor!!  So, she told our group about her blog and I decided to go and read some before meeting her face-to-face when I go to my first Glory Babies meeting on Tuesday.  Anyway, I spent the entire night reading about her experience with pregnancy loss and baby loss.  At first, I felt like I was so unworthy to get to know this woman that was so strong and pulling so much wisdom from her losses.  I felt like I was doing this all wrong.  She was so purposeful and the things she wrote helped me to look at things a little differently, but still I felt like maybe I couldn't relate to this woman because her pain seemed less raw and angry and more enlightened.  How on earth was I going to talk to her in the state that I am in??  I kept reading and connecting with where she was in her journey.  I know how hard it is to hit milestones and to have days that you didn't plan on being hard days, be hard days.  I was in awe of this woman's grace and faith....and a little put off by it, to be honest.  I honestly felt like I was totally beneath her.  It made me want to be more like her....more graceful, more purposeful.  Honestly, I still don't know how to get there.  I'm having such a hard time just making it through 1 day!  By the time I had gotten to 2011's posts on her blog I found me.  She had experienced another loss and somewhere beneath all the purpose and wisdom came the utter raw grief that I am dealing with.  Honest emotion and grief that I could completely relate to.  It made me breathe a sigh of relief knowing that maybe I wouldn't feel so gruff and raw around her after all.  Maybe she really DID know what I'm feeling.  My heart breaks for her because I KNOW what she is feeling.  I KNOW how hard it is to go through the things she has had to endure...one after another....time and time again.  She literally asked some of the same questions I've been asking, said some of the same things I've been telling myself and God.  So maybe I'm not so horrible after all??  I can't wait to talk to her today or tomorrow.  I hope that I will have something profound to say that can help her, but in all reality...SHE helped me!!  I learned that no matter how put together on the outside someone is, they may be falling apart inside.  I learned that even the best Christians have times when they need to get up and run out of church because it stings too much to stay.  I learned that even the best Christians can stumble and fall and lose their way when faced with so much grief and pain.  Then I learned that even amidst all of this, God is STILL at our sides...where He has been the WHOLE time...walking with us, crying with us, holding us.  Our grief brings us closer to Him through humility, and through his mercy and grace.  We get a better look at who our God REALLY is and what He has really done for us.  This doesn't come immediately....it is ALWAYS in HIS time, not ours.  Rest assured that one day we will KNOW His plan for us and that it will be better than anything we can imagine.  Is getting to that point easy?  NO!  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  We will cry, scream, throw our hands up, beg for mercy, and ask more questions than we really want answers to, but EVENTUALLY we will get our answers...when HE is ready to give them.

I really needed to read all of these to give me some perspective...to open my eyes to other's pain and not just focus on my own.  I wish I had known what she was going through so I could have been there with her helping her in any way I could.  I'm not sure what kind of help I would have been, but I do know that it helps to know you are NOT alone!!  That much I could have done for her.

I will let you know how my meeting with "B" goes and how the Glory Babies meeting goes, as well.  I am really afraid that I will end up just bawling my eyes out and being a big cry baby or whiner...I hope not, but since that is how I have been for a week, I will probably be just that.  Oh LORD, give me strength to walk through what I must walk through...give me wisdom to say the things that I need to say to the people that need to hear them.  Help me, O LORD, to be a light to others for You!!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Recovering From Loss #15

I've taken about a week off from posting just to try and regroup after this miscarriage.  Sometimes it is so hard to start over.  I looked at my arsenal and just didn't feel like I wanted to do this again, but from somewhere deep inside me that voice spoke and the drive bubbled up...so here we go again.  I am currently CD8 and on day 6 of  an extended dose of Clomid (days 3-9 at 100mg).  I don't really expect this to do anything but help with my stupid progesterone levels.  I really don't think we'll get a sticky bean until maybe December.  I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

I got to thinking today that all of the ladies that I started this journey with have had their babies or are pregnant.  ALL of those children will be AT LEAST a year old before I ever get to hold my own baby.  Talk about depressing!!  Who knew it would be such a long hard journey for someone that has had 3 oops babies!  I guess it was just time for me to pay my dues??  Well, I'm done paying my dues!!  I've had 15 losses...isn't that enough??  I don't know many women that have paid dues to that extent!  Isn't it my turn, yet??  I guess I'm at the anger stage in my grief...I apologize.

Yesterday, we did the candle lighting for the International Wave of Light to commemorate Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  It was such a beautiful night.  We were out at Lake Palestine and decided to get some pink and blue birthday candles and put them through a styrofoam plate so they would stand up, put another plate under them and tape them together and set them to float on the lake.  I knew they wouldn't burn long, but that just seemed appropriate for all my early losses.  So, we did that and took pictures as they floated out to the center of the lake.  It was a little breezy out, but not one candle was blown out.  It was perfect.  This year was a little more difficult than others since I was/am still going through this miscarriage.  I've been a little more emotional than I thought I would be.  I didn't cry when we lit the candles...I didn't cry until later.  When we got home and I posted a video for the song "Held" by Natalie Grant.  That song is so true for me.  No one ever promised that this would be easy.  No one said we wouldn't go through rough times, but God did promise He would be there with us through all our trials, grief, and pain.  He will hold us as a father holds his child.  How comforting that thought is.

I hope that you will all remember to talk about Infant Loss and Pregnancy Loss!  There is no reason for us to go through it alone.  It should never be taboo to talk about your pain!  So, do something to help out awareness.  Post something on Facebook about it, do a walk to remember even if you've never lost a child, or if you know someone who has lost a pregnancy or child, talk to them...don't shun them because you are afraid you will hurt them more or because it's uncomfortable for you to talk about it.  Trust me, we haven't forgotten about our lost children.  We can talk about them!  Who knows, you might just help someone through their pain.  I'll leave you with the song I told you about.



Monday, October 10, 2011

Destruction of Hope



Well, as luck would have it, we just experienced our 15th loss.  Again the issue was my progesterone.  This is getting so old!!!  So now, we are trying Clomid.  We will be doing days 3-9 unmonitored and with no trigger.  We'll see what this does, but I don't really see it helping.  Just wanted to update everyone.  I'll try to post more often this cycle.  It's just been really rough lately.  I'll be CD3 tomorrow and start the Clomid.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Confusion!



You would think that in the realm of TTC that things would be pretty cut and dry, right?  Temp spike is ovulation, +OPK means you are about to ovulate, etc...right?  Not so much apparently.  Here I am on CD19 unsure if I am 9DPO or 1DPO..haha  If you go by my temps you will see what looks to be a pretty clear ovulation pattern after a +OPK on CD10.  BUT on CD17, my normal window for O'ing, I got a blaring +OPK with cramps only on the left side on CD18.  This sounds like O to me!!  Well, I decided to continue to test it out and although the OPKs are now neg, they are still pretty dark on CD18 and 19.  Some say this is a good indicator of early pregnancy since an OPK can pick up HCG AND LH.  See the two hormones happen to be very much alike with only one small difference.  It's been explained on http://www.peeonastick.com as identical twins with one wearing a hat.  The HPT only looks for that hat, but the OPK looks for the twin and sees it with or without the hat.  (LOVE the analogy, used there!)  Anyway, so I did take an HPT on CD17 or 7DPO if you go by temps and it was OBVIOUSLY negative.  So I figure I will test again on CD24 or 14DPO by temps and if it's negative like I think it will be, I will test again at CD32 or 14DPO if you go by symptoms.  Why can't things just be more black and white?  It would be so much easier if we had lights that showed ovulation and pregnancy as soon as they occurred!  Anyone seen the movie Wall-E?  Yeah, I wanna be like Eva and have a light turn on when life is growing inside me.  How awesome would that be.  No more guessing if there is a line or not.  No more needing blood tests...it just is or isn't.  *SIGH*  I hate being confused in my cycles.  I should never have taken that OPK...haha.  I'll post my chart (click the word chart there) so you can see what I am talking about.  Right now, I have it set to OPK watch mode so it says 1DPO.  If I put it on advanced, it says 9DPO...and so does FAM if I take out the 2nd +OPK.  With it, it has no idea when I O'd or even if I O'd!  TOTAL CONFUSION!  Gotta love it!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Pain

You know it sucks that people can't see the pain that people are going through.  It sucks to have to put on a happy face even when you're dying inside.  I hate it.  I swear every friend I have has posted they are pregnant this month.  I wanna know why I can't get that way???? I mean seriously.  This sucks more that I can even put into words!!  So tonight, I'm saying FTW!  Vodka is my friend and I am not going to hurt for at least one night!  I'm tired of worrying about it.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  I'm just plain old tired of being the one that CAN'T get pregnant and hold on to it.  I'm tired of being everyone's encouragement and smiling face.  I just want my baby!!!  I want any of the 14 I have lost!!  I want to hold just one in my arms...PLEASE???  I don't know what I did to make God decide I'm not good enough, but I wish I could change it.  I WANT MY BABY!!!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Options



I'm at a point where I'm wondering what my options are.  I can't do adoption unless it's private.  Even then I am not sure that I can do that because of the money.  Then there is surrogacy.  I don't know of anyone that would do that for us...especially without getting paid large amounts of money.  We would want to use my egg and his sperm....so that would mean doing egg retrieval.   Expensive in itself.  I just don't know if we are ever going to get pregnant on our own.  I don't know what else we can do.  We can't afford IVF.  My insurance doesn't cover it or IUIs anymore.  It doesn't even cover anything that has to do with fertility...well, other than a yearly pap.  I just want to bang my head against the wall!!  I'm so frustrated!  I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant.  I never had issues getting pregnant before!  WHY did I have to get so sick and take all those horrible meds??  I don't understand any of it!  All I wanted was to be able to have my baby.  That's STILL all I want!  I'm so frustrated!!  I'm Angry!  I'm crushed!  I'm throwing my hands up now and saying isn't this much suffering enough?  I've lost 14 babies!!  14!!!!!!!!!!  When is enough ENOUGH??  When do I get to bring one home?  My heart aches for a baby that apparently I will never get.  It's been 4 years and 7 months.  Isn't that long enough??

CD7...again.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

In Remembrance

 World Trade Center Towers












 The Pentagon



 Shanksville, PA Flight 93 crashed before it could make it to it's target thanks to the passengers aboard and their willingness to fight to save other people.

The memorials for the World Trade Center








 The memorial for the Pentagon

 





The memorial for flight 93



Ten years ago, today, we witnessed a life changing attack on American soil.  Thousands of lives were lost that day and many more in the years that followed because of this the events that took place on September 11, 2001.  My heart still breaks thinking of the devastation and loss incurred that day.  It amazes me that some people have all but forgotten the fear we all felt, the anger, the sense of patriotism that arose in all Americans that day.  I don't think I will ever understand how people could just go back to "life as usual" after something so horrible.  How can you forget?  I know I never will.


Where were you that morning?  Do you remember how it made you feel?  I do.  I was in CA on a military base with my 2 toddler sons and a brand new baby girl.  She was only a month old.  My husband was overseas and I remember being so afraid!  The base went on lockdown and and my husband's shop sent over another Airman to sit with me for a while so I didn't feel so alone.  My family was all in Texas and his was all in Kansas.  It was terrifying.  Life after September 11, 2001 was a nightmare on base.  You couldn't go anywhere without your active duty spouse with you....which was difficult since mine was overseas.  I had to have someone from the shop come to take me grocery shopping.  There were checkpoints all over base.  If you didn't have your military ID card on you, you were not going anywhere.  Gone were the days of care-free living.  Life on base was almost like being in prison.  We were scared to go anywhere off base for fear we wouldn't be able to get back on.  The security checks were terrifying.  It was unreal to see all the M-16s on the shoulders of all the troops that were patrolling the base.  It was very strange to live like that...especially here in America.  I was so proud of how NY was dealing with this tragedy.  I watched on TV for days on end.  I'm not sure I really slept much during the first few weeks after.  I remember waiting to hear from my husband that he was ok and hoping that there wouldn't be another attack as we all figured it would be somewhere on the west coast.  I was only 30 miles from San Francisco and 35 miles from Sacramento.  The thought of something like happening so close to me was utterly terrifying.  What grace and poise the people of New York had!!  I wanted to go help, but I knew there was no way I could with 3 babies at home and no one to watch them.  The first responder in me wanted to pick up and just go to help in any way I could.  It's amazing the response that we have when something horrible happens to our fellow Americans.  It's really sad that it takes a tragedy like this to bring us all together.  It's even more sad that just a short time after something like that we all return to the way we were.  There are still people hurting, yet we lose our vigilance after such a short time.  To our generation, this is our Pearl Harbor.  There should be outrage for decades....yet here we are only 1 decade past this unthinkable tragedy and you have people that could care less.  It's so sad.

This morning in church we did a special service.  They called it Patriot Day.  The images that we saw in the video montage were still able to strike emotion in the people that watched.  The song God Bless the USA brought tears to everyone's eyes that was over the age of 30, patriotism swelled in the hearts of those same people.  It made me wonder how the younger people felt.  They seemed so unphased by the pictures and as if this was "just another church service" to them.  Where is the respect and patriotism in our youth??  Have we really let this be forgotten by the very next generation??  What a sad day it is.

I hope that we as parents will teach out children about this.  Tell them that it happened to US, not just to the people of New York.  We should tell them how it made us feel...the good and the bad.  We should help them understand how much of a tragedy this has been.  Teach them about the heroes that day, the 343 firemen that went up into those towers in New York to help and were lost, the many policemen and women that were lost trying to help, the EMS crews that tried to save lives and help any way they could, the civilians that took it upon themselves to go running back into burning buildings to bring people out and were lost in the collapse.  Remember the people on the planes that had courage to fight back.  Teach them about the people that were lost.  Help them to see them as real people with families, and lives just like us.  Don't let the memory of this die only a decade after it occurred!  I know I will never forget!  God bless all the families and our country!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Miracles



If you thought miracles don't happen anymore, you are wrong!  Tonight a fellow BLM had her rainbow.  That in itself is a miracle, but more so because he was given a fatal diagnosis of Miller-Dierkers Syndrome and several heart defects.  He is here, alive, and doing well!  At the last update, he was even nursing!!  SO many prayers have gone up for this little guy.  He is precious and perfect!  We don't know how much time he will have with his family earthside, but every moment he is here is precious and wonderful!  Be praying that little Eli continues to defy the diagnosis and odds to spend a long time here with his family that loves him so much!!  Also be praying for his family to have strength to handle whatever they must go through now.  Thank you!!

Another miracle tonight is that the majority of the fires here in Texas are now contained!!!  Our brave fire fighters have worked so hard and continue to do so to fight these fires that are  raging all over this state.  Remember to thank your local fire fighters and first responders for all they do!  They sacrifice their safety for us on a daily basis.  If you are in Texas, please consider donating food and water to a department in East Texas as most of them are volunteer departments and their resources are being depleted quickly.  They not only need food and water, but gas for their trucks, or money to purchase gas.  Let's give back to these wonderful heroes that give so willingly of themselves for us!  

The last miracle that I'm going to share is a personal one!  AF finally showed up at 3:00 A.M.!!  I don't think I have ever been so happy!  Literally, no sooner had I almost screamed that I wished I knew where AF was, than she showed up!  Someone was listening!!  So, that puts me at CD2 as it is now 2:46 A.M.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!  Don't forget to remember the fallen of September 11, 2001 this Sunday.  Pray for their families and for their co-workers that are still here.  Never Forget!!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Q's without the A's



So many questions unanswered right now.  I just have this feeling that there will never be another sticky BFP for me.  My cycles are becoming more and more messed up and nothing seems to help.  I don't know what else to do about it.  Pray...that's all I can still do...and that's what I am doing.

Have you been here??  The point at which you throw in the towel and say this isn't working?  What was your next step?  Did you look into adoption?  Did you just give up all together?  I honestly don't know what mine will be.  We may have an opportunity for adoption, but no word on that since I last told you about it.  My insurance stopped covering fertility treatments, so any of those we want to pursue now will be out of pocket.  Unlike some, I really don't think we can afford it.  My heart is so broken.  All I want is my precious rainbow to hold in my arms, to bring home, to love, and cherish!!  I didn't think that was asking too much, but apparently God has other plans for me...what I don't know, though.

Currently I am sitting at 16DPO and no sign of AF.  I tested at 11DPO and 13 DPO with BFNs and again today...another BIG FAT NEGATIVE.  I just don't understand what my body is doing.  I hope I get some answers soon, though.

Please feel free to share your experiences with me if you've been here.  I'd appreciate the input!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Words of Encouragement

My mother has gotten into the habit of sharing her daily devotionals with my sister and me.  I look forward to these in the mornings when I check my email because they usually apply to something I happen to be going through at the time.  Coincidence?  I think not.  God hears the desires of our hearts as well as the pain, fear, brokenness, desperation...yup, He hears it all.  No one knows what we need and want and where we are in our lives and daily struggles like our Heavenly Father.  So, I thought for those of you reading that are going through something similar to me...or maybe not quite as similar...this morning's devotion might be helpful.  It REALLY struck a chord with me this morning!!  As you all know we have been trying to conceive for over four and a half years.  We've gone through loss after loss and yet, I keep trying.  To some that may seem crazy, to others it may seem desperate, but to my Heavenly Father, it shows my faith in Him that he hears my prayers and will give me what my heart desires.  This may not happen in MY time, but it will happen in HIS time.  So, here is the devotion.  I hope it speaks to you as it did to me!

Tracie Miles September 2, 2011
Faith over Feelings
Tracie Miles
"...for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5b (NIV)
I spent months working on it, with big expectations and high hopes. In the blink of an eye it was crushed. This reality tore into my heart like a jagged knife, ripping my dream into tiny little shreds. Disappointment was so great it was difficult to process my feelings. I had worked tirelessly on this project and now I felt disappointment and rejection.
Disappointment soon turned to irritation which morphed into resentment. I didn't FEEL it was fair.
Why didn't God answer my prayers? Why had He placed a dream in my heart only to allow it to crumble? Why had He let this happen? Why me?
I knew I needed to have a good attitude and not give up, but I did not FEEL like doing that at all!
Questions pummeled my brain. What is the use? Why try again? If God didn't answer my prayer after all this time, why bother keep trying?
I allowed my FEELings to overtake my FAITH.
All I could think about was how this disappointment made me feel, instead of what God may be doing that my faith could not see. I felt things weren't fair, without remembering God's ways are best. I felt a longing for immediate results, instead of trusting God's timing is perfect.
My feelings had gotten in the way of my faith, so I turned to Psalm 25 (NIV) for perspective. The following verses washed over my spirit.
Verse 1, "In you, LORD my God, I put my trust."
I felt discouraged, unworthy, hopeless, rejected. So I poured my feelings and my soul out to God. And He listened.
Verse 2, "I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me."
God reminded me to trust Him, not a desire or a dream. Not the world's view. Not my abilities. Not my timeframe. Not my ideas. Trust Him alone. I prayed about my enemies—intangible feelings such as self doubt, insecurity, frustration, and discouragement.
Verse 3, "No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause."
Regardless of whether or not my desires become a reality, I will not be put to shame, because God is my God. If His plans coincide with my dreams, I know He will keep His eternal promises.
Verses 4-5a, "Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me,"
These words stopped me in my tracks. I began to think more rationally. Why did I beat my head against a wall? Why was I consumed with anxiety and frustration? Was I allowing God to direct my paths? God gently reminded me He is the teacher, I am the student.
Verse 5b, "...for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
If I put my hope in my own desires and abilities, I set myself up for failure. My only hope for joy and fulfillment comes from Christ alone. Hope is found in Him, not people, a career, your husband or children, church, financial success, a carefree life, or dreams that come true.
Disappointments will happen. With God, however, we can turn those disappointments into God's appointments to trust Him. The first step is to exercise faith over feelings.
Dear Lord, You know the hurt in my heart and the sting of disappointments I have experienced. Please help me trust You, instead of being consumed by feelings. Empower me with a faith that is stronger than my emotions. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Related Resources:
Compassion International helps turn children's disappointments into God's appointments to trust Him. You can too! Sponsor a child today.
Reinventing Your Rainbow by Tracie Miles
Visit Tracie's blog for more encouragement in trusting God.
What to do in the W.A.I.T: Finding Contentment in God's Pauses and Plans (CD) by Wendy Pope
When you purchase resources through Proverbs 31 Ministries, you touch eternity because your purchase supports the many areas of hope-giving ministry we provide at no cost. We wish we could, but we simply can't compete with prices offered by huge online warehouses. Therefore, we are extremely grateful for each and every purchase you make with us. Thank you!
Application Steps:
Consider the disappointments you have experienced recently. Ask God to help your faith be more powerful than your feelings.
Unpack Psalm 25:1-5 verse by verse and apply it to your situation, with open ears to hear God's voice.
Reflections:
Am I allowing my feelings to guide my actions, or relying on my faith to help me move forward?
Have I asked God how He can use my disappointments to strengthen my faith in Him?
Have I sought God's direction in my situation?
Power Verses:
Psalm 78:7, "That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments..." (KJV)
© 2011 by Tracie Miles. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105
www.Proverbs31.org

13 DPO and praying for a miracle rainbow!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Adoption?

If given the chance to have a private adoption after more than 4 years of trying with more losses than ANYONE should have to go through, would you do it?  There are so many questions going through my mind.  What if they back out at the end?  What if they decide not to do adoption but abort?  Can I handle those things?  Should I use a family name on an adopted child if it gets that far?  There's so much to think about.  This is still very much so in its infancy.  I never thought that I would be able to adopt.  Now that this may be an option, I must admit I'm a little scared to get into the process and get burned.  Even with a contract, it could get ugly if the mom wants to back out.  I'm not sure I can handle the pain of losing another baby.....especially one that was "guaranteed" to me.  

Have any of you ever thought about this?  Have you been through it?  What were your experiences....both good and bad?

It's just so hard to be looking at maybe holding a baby soon, but to not get excited, or get your hopes up, or anything.  I want to be fully prepared if this starts moving forward, but I don't want to be invested in it if it doesn't.  

If you adopted, did you gear up to breastfeed?  It's not impossible to do.  I know I would have to, but I'm not real sure how to go about it.  If you've ever been through that, what was your experience?  I need feedback on this one, ladies!  I'm depending on you to help me decide and maybe get ready.

Well, I'm 10 DPO today.  I don't think this cycle is a hit, but maybe more of a miss.  I wish we could know as soon as conception occurs.  If you've ever seen the movie Wall-E...the robot Eva had a light that came on when she was carrying a sign of life on earth.  A little green light started flashing.  Why couldn't we have something like that??  LOL  It would totally make the TTC journey a lot easier!  Oh well, I guess we will wait and see.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

When A Baby Dies Workshop



Have you ever wondered why people ask the most insensitive questions or just down right stupid questions to women that have lost babies?  Have you ever noticed how insensitive a NORMAL preggo is to a baby loss mom that is pregnant with a Rainbow?  There is no changing them, but there is a way to change how we react to and answer some of those statements and questions.  There is a workshop on September 14, 2011 from 8:00p - 9:00p Central Time to help us deal with just this.  It counts as 1.0 credit hour for nurses toward their continuing edication, too!  The cost is $10.00 and it is an online event.  I really think if you can do this, you should.  It will be helpful not just to you, but to any other baby loss mom you happen to meet.  We really need to share this!!  Here is the Facebook page for the event. http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=251519834865905  I hope you will check it out and at least consider participating!

In other news, Hurricane Irene made landfall today and has devastated or will devastate many places on the east coast from NC to ME.  Please be praying for all of those affected by Irene.  I personally have 12 friends that are being directly affected at their homes.  I'm praying for all of you!!!

As for my TTC journey...I am currently 7DPO and my temps have been low for a few days.  I am pretty sure my progesterone level is in garbage.  That pretty much means this cycle is a bust.  I need to get my progesterone cream.  These pills are not cutting it.  Oh well.  On to the next cycle, right?  There's always another....*sigh*

Here is the link to Sherokee Ilse's sight for her books.  She is the lady doing the workshop.  She has lots of books to help familes with the loss of a baby.  

Monday, August 22, 2011

Ron Paul 2012 & Things



Today not much is going on.  I've been stirring the pot on Twitter (You can follow me by going here :  My Twitter )trying to raise awareness for Ron Paul.  If you are curious about a true constitutionalist, you should check him out.  Go here: Ron Paul 2012

I am pretty sure I O'd on CD 14 this time!!!  WOOT!  We'll know for sure tomorrow!  If my temp is 98.0 or higher, it means I did in fact O and I will be 3DPO!  Keep your fingers crossed!!  I started taking my new med (all natural) ProgestoEnhance yesterday.  We'll see if it helps at all.  I'm hoping it does the trick or we will have one more cycle down the drain.  I'm not sure I am ready for that.  That's about all this time, I guess.  I'll post my chart here for you to stalk if you feel the need!  XOXOXO ladies!

My chart

CD16 and hoping I really did O 2 days ago!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Update

Well, it looks like I am probably Oing today!  I got my +OPK today and I am cramping on both sides and have some pinching, too!  I don't know many people that get their +OPK and O in the same day.  Leave it to me to be odd!  I could still not O until tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure today is the day.  DH and I have been rockstars in the BD deprtment!!  WOOT!  We'll get in more BDing until confirmation of O, though.  Gotta make sure, right?



Yesterday was A Day of Hope... baby loss awareness.  It just pains my heart so see that so many wonderful women have been through such a heartbreaking thing.  All those precious babies that were loved and wanted were taken from them too early.  It's so very sad.  I have to say, though, that my losses have brought me some friendships with amazing women that I otherwise would not have met!  Please, if you know of someone that has lost a child, don't be afraid to be their friend...and don't be afraid to ask questions!  It's better to inform people and let them know what some women go through...and let them know it could happen to them.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!!  I'll let you know tomorrow if I am indeed Oing!!

CD14 and hoping this is O!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Pitfalls of TTC




Yes, I am writing about some of the pitfalls of TTC, today.  Why, you ask?  Well, during this mornings session of DTD (doing the deed), we ran into one of those pitfalls, so it just seemed appropriate to write about it.  I know sometimes in this journey we can feel so alone or like everything is working against us.  So, I hope this helps everyone know that these things happen to ALL of us at sometime or another.

What to do when you are in your fertile window and sex is just not happening (because of him):  Take a break!  Remember that what is most important isn't the time, but the day.  Try to relax, cuddle up and do something else for a little while and then later get back to trying.  Try to keep an air of romance going throughout your day (as crestfallen, frustrated, or mad as you may be) and make sure he doesn't feel pressure to perform.  Some guys just can't deal with the stress of on demand sex.  Try to keep the mood light and fun and make sure you flirt like crazy with him.  Guys need to know they are loved and not just wanted for the prize inside!  When you get back to trying, try something new and exciting.  Maybe do something for him you have said you never would, or talk dirty to him, or even give HIM the foreplay attention.  Try doing a massage for him or teasing him until he just can't stand not to have you.  I bet your issues will melt away and you'll get your successful BD in on time.  You never know, you might even find something that makes it AMAZING!

What to do when you are in your fertile window and sex is just not happening (because of you):  This isn't very likely, but it does happen.  So when you get upset because your DH seems uninterested and that turns your motor off, try starting on your own and maybe that will pique his interest!  If it's not happening because it's painful or you are dry, try taking some Tylenol before hand, or taking some Evening Primrose Oil or Mucinex to give you better CM.  This might help to keep it from being painful and you from being rather dry.  You can also make sure to super hydrate as well. 

What to do when you've tried everything and nothing is working:  Go to plan B.  Start with a fresh cycle...no additives from your arsenal and spontaneous BD.  Obviously if you have a medical condition, stay on your meds that help that, but otherwise, throw out all the supplements, gimmicks, and tricks, and try to relieve some of the TTC stress.  I know it will always be in the back of your mind, but sometimes the stress can be what's causing issues.  After a cycle of just playing it by ear, I would suggest using only 1 supplement.  Personally, I would start with Vitex.  Take that everyday for the next 3 months unless you happen to get your BFP, and see if you notice a difference.  At that point, you can add some EPO or Mucinex to help with more fertile CM.  After doing that for a few months with the Vitex, add instead cups.  These are cheap, a little messy, but none the less, give you a better chance by holding it all in there a little longer.  STAY AWAY FROM SOY PRODUCTS!  So can cause issues with your thyroid hormones absorbing and doing what they need to do.  IF you already have a thyroid issue, this can really mess up your cycle.  Thyroid issues are a large cause of infertility issues.  I made the mistake of taking soy isoflavones for 3 cycles and the last cycle I did them, I had a bad cycle.  I wish I had known about them causing these issues with thyroid before I took them, but you won't find that in most research.  It took me seeing Dr. Brownstein's Overcoming Thyroid Disorders to find that little tidbit of information.  So, if you are like most Americans, and have a thyroid condition or even suspect you do, DON'T use soy isoflavones!!


There are many other pitfalls that we will cover (I'm sure) some other day, but I wanted to pass those along.  I hope they are helpful and that you find the remedies to work for you!  I look forward to hearing about all your wonderful BFPs!!

CD10 today, and it's go time!  We should be squeezing in every available opportunity to DTD if I am to O on CD14.  I have another day or two if it's CD16.  I'm hoping for the latter...lol  Our EPIC FAIL in the bedroom today was disheartening, but we are trying to put that out of our minds like I explained for others to try, earlier.  Hopefully, sometime today I will get in that all important BD and be able to mark it on my chart.  OH THE JOYS OF TTC!!  HAHA