So, I spent the entire night reading the blog of someone I go to church with. I had NO IDEA that she was going through so much pain and sorrow. I knew of her, but hadn't taken the time to get to REALLY know her. Last night my DH called me after he left church (I didn't go for several reasons...allergies, miscarriage, reclusiveness). He told me he had met a couple that night and that I really needed to talk to this lady. He gave me a little background and with just that info I started to cry. I wasn't alone!!! There was a real tangible person here in my town in my church going through the same thing!!!! I hate that she is going through it, too, but I am so glad to know that I am not alone! I have felt so alone this past week. Alone, angry, sad, and defeated. I have cried so much. I've been trying to down play it, but this one has really done a number on me. So anyway, I emailed the lady, "B", and told her that I knew her pain and her fears...that I knew of places that could help...groups to be in with women just like us! Here, I thought I was helping her....HA! God really does have a sense of humor!! So, she told our group about her blog and I decided to go and read some before meeting her face-to-face when I go to my first Glory Babies meeting on Tuesday. Anyway, I spent the entire night reading about her experience with pregnancy loss and baby loss. At first, I felt like I was so unworthy to get to know this woman that was so strong and pulling so much wisdom from her losses. I felt like I was doing this all wrong. She was so purposeful and the things she wrote helped me to look at things a little differently, but still I felt like maybe I couldn't relate to this woman because her pain seemed less raw and angry and more enlightened. How on earth was I going to talk to her in the state that I am in?? I kept reading and connecting with where she was in her journey. I know how hard it is to hit milestones and to have days that you didn't plan on being hard days, be hard days. I was in awe of this woman's grace and faith....and a little put off by it, to be honest. I honestly felt like I was totally beneath her. It made me want to be more like her....more graceful, more purposeful. Honestly, I still don't know how to get there. I'm having such a hard time just making it through 1 day! By the time I had gotten to 2011's posts on her blog I found me. She had experienced another loss and somewhere beneath all the purpose and wisdom came the utter raw grief that I am dealing with. Honest emotion and grief that I could completely relate to. It made me breathe a sigh of relief knowing that maybe I wouldn't feel so gruff and raw around her after all. Maybe she really DID know what I'm feeling. My heart breaks for her because I KNOW what she is feeling. I KNOW how hard it is to go through the things she has had to endure...one after another....time and time again. She literally asked some of the same questions I've been asking, said some of the same things I've been telling myself and God. So maybe I'm not so horrible after all?? I can't wait to talk to her today or tomorrow. I hope that I will have something profound to say that can help her, but in all reality...SHE helped me!! I learned that no matter how put together on the outside someone is, they may be falling apart inside. I learned that even the best Christians have times when they need to get up and run out of church because it stings too much to stay. I learned that even the best Christians can stumble and fall and lose their way when faced with so much grief and pain. Then I learned that even amidst all of this, God is STILL at our sides...where He has been the WHOLE time...walking with us, crying with us, holding us. Our grief brings us closer to Him through humility, and through his mercy and grace. We get a better look at who our God REALLY is and what He has really done for us. This doesn't come immediately....it is ALWAYS in HIS time, not ours. Rest assured that one day we will KNOW His plan for us and that it will be better than anything we can imagine. Is getting to that point easy? NO! Not by any stretch of the imagination. We will cry, scream, throw our hands up, beg for mercy, and ask more questions than we really want answers to, but EVENTUALLY we will get our answers...when HE is ready to give them.
I really needed to read all of these to give me some perspective...to open my eyes to other's pain and not just focus on my own. I wish I had known what she was going through so I could have been there with her helping her in any way I could. I'm not sure what kind of help I would have been, but I do know that it helps to know you are NOT alone!! That much I could have done for her.
I will let you know how my meeting with "B" goes and how the Glory Babies meeting goes, as well. I am really afraid that I will end up just bawling my eyes out and being a big cry baby or whiner...I hope not, but since that is how I have been for a week, I will probably be just that. Oh LORD, give me strength to walk through what I must walk through...give me wisdom to say the things that I need to say to the people that need to hear them. Help me, O LORD, to be a light to others for You!!
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