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Sunday, October 16, 2011

Recovering From Loss #15

I've taken about a week off from posting just to try and regroup after this miscarriage.  Sometimes it is so hard to start over.  I looked at my arsenal and just didn't feel like I wanted to do this again, but from somewhere deep inside me that voice spoke and the drive bubbled up...so here we go again.  I am currently CD8 and on day 6 of  an extended dose of Clomid (days 3-9 at 100mg).  I don't really expect this to do anything but help with my stupid progesterone levels.  I really don't think we'll get a sticky bean until maybe December.  I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

I got to thinking today that all of the ladies that I started this journey with have had their babies or are pregnant.  ALL of those children will be AT LEAST a year old before I ever get to hold my own baby.  Talk about depressing!!  Who knew it would be such a long hard journey for someone that has had 3 oops babies!  I guess it was just time for me to pay my dues??  Well, I'm done paying my dues!!  I've had 15 losses...isn't that enough??  I don't know many women that have paid dues to that extent!  Isn't it my turn, yet??  I guess I'm at the anger stage in my grief...I apologize.

Yesterday, we did the candle lighting for the International Wave of Light to commemorate Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  It was such a beautiful night.  We were out at Lake Palestine and decided to get some pink and blue birthday candles and put them through a styrofoam plate so they would stand up, put another plate under them and tape them together and set them to float on the lake.  I knew they wouldn't burn long, but that just seemed appropriate for all my early losses.  So, we did that and took pictures as they floated out to the center of the lake.  It was a little breezy out, but not one candle was blown out.  It was perfect.  This year was a little more difficult than others since I was/am still going through this miscarriage.  I've been a little more emotional than I thought I would be.  I didn't cry when we lit the candles...I didn't cry until later.  When we got home and I posted a video for the song "Held" by Natalie Grant.  That song is so true for me.  No one ever promised that this would be easy.  No one said we wouldn't go through rough times, but God did promise He would be there with us through all our trials, grief, and pain.  He will hold us as a father holds his child.  How comforting that thought is.

I hope that you will all remember to talk about Infant Loss and Pregnancy Loss!  There is no reason for us to go through it alone.  It should never be taboo to talk about your pain!  So, do something to help out awareness.  Post something on Facebook about it, do a walk to remember even if you've never lost a child, or if you know someone who has lost a pregnancy or child, talk to them...don't shun them because you are afraid you will hurt them more or because it's uncomfortable for you to talk about it.  Trust me, we haven't forgotten about our lost children.  We can talk about them!  Who knows, you might just help someone through their pain.  I'll leave you with the song I told you about.

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