Wishing for a Rainbow...

It's definitely spring.  So many announcements of new babies on their way.  Those tend to sting a bit.  There are a few that don't, but only because they are Rainbow Babies.  There isn't a point at which I could ever begrudge a fellow BLM a new Rainbow.  It makes me happy for them...and it makes my heart yearn that much more to stop adding to the pot of gold at the END of the Rainbow, but to actually achieve getting my very own Rainbow HERE IN MY ARMS, alive, and healthy!  I can't even begin to tell you the pull on my heart to have a Rainbow of my very own.  I just pray that it happens someday SOON!  This broken heart needs some happiness.  *sigh*

Live, Laugh, Love....

Peach

Infertility & Puppies

How ironic is life?  Here we have struggled for 6 years to get pregnant and carry to term with nothing but a string of 19 losses to show for it.  Just as I lose the last one, my dog gets pregnant.  REALLY??  Why is it that dogs never have fertility issues??  You never see that.  It's all so implicitly simple for them.  Makes you wonder what it is that keeps them fertile while we struggle.  So, now I have to watch my dog go through a pregnancy that will probably require her going through a c-section (she is tiny and the sire is HUGE...this was NOT planned).  Don't get me wrong, everyone loves puppies, but it's just more salt in the wound for me.  BLAH!  Thanks, life, for rubbing it in.

Peach

Why Can't I Let It Go?

After so many losses, you would think that I could just let go of my desire to have a baby. Even after promising myself I am done, I still dream about having another baby, dream about getting positive pregnancy tests, and still have the desire to try to get pregnant. Why can't I get it through my thick head that it's never going to happen without help? I decided that I would focus on getting everything in the right ranges, chart for a while longer and then look into IUI or IVF, or even surrogacy. I have a while before we can do anything like that, though. It will take a while to raise the money to be able to afford that. So, I will keep blogging about what I am doing to get healthy and to balance hormones, vitamins, and to regulate my cycle. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else get their rainbow or their long awaited baby. Good luck to all of you trying to conceive, no matter your circumstances!!

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Hopes & Dreams Dashed Again

As per usual with me, we have miscarried again. I'm done. I can't do this any more. There comes a time when you realize you are broken and can't be fixed. I guess I am there. Good luck to those of you still trying. May you soon hold your precious babes in your arms.

Peach

A Little Celebrating...

Well, I got results back yesterday on my blood draw. My Progesterone was 18.4 (WOOT!!!) and my HCG was 4097!!!! I am literally OVER THE MOON!! I think this may REALLY be our sticky baby!! I'm not going all out celebrating just yet, though. We've had a healthy pregnancy before and still miscarried, so I'm still waiting, but the news did make me happy!! Please keep praying for us as we go through this journey. Pray that whatever happens, I have the strength to get through it! EDD: October 1, 2013!! WOOT!

5w4d!

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

The Waiting Game

Well, I'm 5w1d, today. I feel like I am playing the waiting game...just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I check every time I go to the bathroom to make sure I haven't started bleeding, yet. It's scary being pregnant again after so many losses. I'm so grateful to have all my fellow BLMs and friends along this journey with me. I think I might go insane with worry otherwise! So my HCG is more than doubling like it is supposed to. The first draw was 37, the 2nd draw was 101. I had another draw today and I'm hoping that it is over 1000...anything from 808 on up would actually be ok. My progesterone was a little low at 10. So I'm hoping that it has increased since last week. I should get my numbers back either today or tomorrow morning. It's hard to wait for results. Please continue to pray that this is our sticky bean. We need all the help we can get! That's all for today...just a quick update.

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Surprise!

Yup, that's mine. I got that surprise a few days ago. We were waiting until February to really start trying, but apparently, someone had other plans. I didn't think it was possible at all this month, which just shows me how much I know. I won't break into how happy I am or what a miracle this is because, frankly, I'm terrified. Who with my track record wouldn't be?? So, all I can say, is please, please pray for us. I am not sure I'm strong enough to handle another loss...seriously. The last one did a number on me...or maybe it was all of them just culminating at the same time. I don't know. All I know is that I am NOT going to stress this time. I can't change it one way or the other. What is going to be, will be. Just pray that no matter what, God gives me strength and endurance to be able to handle what He has planned for me.

I just wanted to update with the surprise...so there you have it. We're preggo...AGAIN. Now to wait and see what happens.

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

A Renewed Hope

Today or tomorrow, sometime, I should greet AF. That will mark day 1 of a new cycle and the official start of us trying again. I heard a story today of another couple that has gone through multiple losses like me, after trying for 15 years, and yesterday they got their Rainbow!! I'm so happy! If they can find their rainbow after 15 years of trying and 10 losses, maybe there is still hope for me!! I love hearing happy endings like that!! I would LOVE for that to happen here. Maybe this is why I can't give up? I don't know, but it definitely made me smile and made me ecstatic for them!!

Yesterday was my birthday, which for the most part was not good due to allergies and life junk in general. My husband came home last night around 10:30p and woke me up with a beautiful card and a necklace that had a charm of 2 16th notes on it! My love in life is music. Anyone that knows me, knows that. He wrote the sweetest note in the most amazing card. I honestly LOVE that man!! <3

Tonight, we are going out with some fellow fire wives and their firefighters...and a couple of other friends. It's going to be so much fun! We are going to dinner at BJ's Brewhouse and then to sing karaoke, have drinks, and play pool at Club 155. It promises to be a BLAST!

I'll keep you up to date on our TTC. KYFX that we get our rainbow SOON! I don't know how much longer I can take TTC. It honestly makes me feel crazy. Until next time...

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Fighting The POAS Addiction

In previous posts, you've heard me talk about being a POAS addict. Well, in gearing up for our first cycle back TTC, I bought 50 HPTs. I got them yesterday. KNOWING full well that there was no chance this month, I still want to POAS and see a blazing BFP. Why does this happen? I just don't understand. This makes me feel like a total head case! LOL DH and I have literally not had but maybe 4 BDing sessions this cycle. It's pretty much impossible. But still, I have taken 2 tests...the first one a BFN, but MAYBE I saw something (rolling my eyes at myself, now). So, the next morning, I use FMU and still, MAYBE I see something. So, I take a few pics with my phone, plug it into my computer and start tweaking it. I play with the settings in photoshop for probably 2 hours and convince myself there actually is something there (although I know it's just an indent from where they put the dye strip). So, I go back every few hours or so to look at it, see if I can still see my phantom line and then sit there wondering and hoping. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??? *sigh* Why is it that TTC makes you crazy?? Why can't it be just as easy as your mother told you it was in High School to get pregnant? "It only takes one time of not being careful, honey! Just PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE always be careful if you decide to have sex with someone!" my mom said. Little did she know that it would take me a minimum of 6 years to conceive! UGH! Ok, so I'm going to try to get my head straightened out and convince myself I'm being completely irrational. I'm going to convince myself that the little sticks in the bathroom on the shelf are indeed blank in the test field and that I NEED to throw them away and save me tests for later next cycle when there might actually BE A REAL CHANCE that I might get preggo. Hopefully, tomorrow, I can ignore the beckoning of the sticks. I need to ignore it...so Lord, GIVE ME STRENGTH AND PATIENCE...AND HURRY!!!

Live, Laugh, Love,

Peach

Hello Again...

OK, so it's been a while since I've posted...I needed some time to try to heal. May 14th I miscarried again. That pregnancy was the longest we have managed to carry since we started trying. I made it 7 weeks and 2 days. We actually caught the baby as I passed it. We named it Liberty Hope after much discussion. The entire 2011-2012 election cycle was spent working to preserve liberty and hoping that we would make a difference and wake people up to the fact that our liberty is being eroded on a daily basis, not just by the current administration, but by Republicans as well. We fought hard...within the rules, only to have them changed and all our efforts thrown back at us. Liberty is dying here and so is hope. So, we chose Liberty Hope for our baby. We haven't really tried again, but we never prevent, so in a sense, we are always trying.

With this being a new year, I decided to take a new approach. I found a LOVELY group of Firefighter Wives (since my hubs is a firefighter), and have decided to take on the Fit Fire Wives Challenge. I am working out everyday, using MyFitnessPal to track what I eat, all in hopes of becoming a healthier me. We'll see how it goes. I have to say, though, that the Fire Wives have helped me not to focus so much on loss, but to look to the future, and to be in the present. I love them immensely! I'm so glad I found them! If you are married to a firefighter, dating a firefighter, or engaged to a firefighter, you should join us on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/firefighterwife/

As for TTC, I think we will start REALLY trying after Feb 10, 2013. That is our 6 year anniversary, and that will give me more time to lose some weight, be in better shape, and MAYBE make a difference in how things go. I hope all of you have a wonderful new year, get the babies you so desperately want, and find true happiness!

Live, laugh, and love,

Peach