Confusion!

You would think that in the realm of TTC that things would be pretty cut and dry, right?  Temp spike is ovulation, +OPK means you are about to ovulate, etc...right?  Not so much apparently.  Here I am on CD19 unsure if I am 9DPO or 1DPO..haha  If you go by my temps you will see what looks to be a pretty clear ovulation pattern after a +OPK on CD10.  BUT on CD17, my normal window for O'ing, I got a blaring +OPK with cramps only on the left side on CD18.  This sounds like O to me!!  Well, I decided to continue to test it out and although the OPKs are now neg, they are still pretty dark on CD18 and 19.  Some say this is a good indicator of early pregnancy since an OPK can pick up HCG AND LH.  See the two hormones happen to be very much alike with only one small difference.  It's been explained on http://www.peeonastick.com as identical twins with one wearing a hat.  The HPT only looks for that hat, but the OPK looks for the twin and sees it with or without the hat.  (LOVE the analogy, used there!)  Anyway, so I did take an HPT on CD17 or 7DPO if you go by temps and it was OBVIOUSLY negative.  So I figure I will test again on CD24 or 14DPO by temps and if it's negative like I think it will be, I will test again at CD32 or 14DPO if you go by symptoms.  Why can't things just be more black and white?  It would be so much easier if we had lights that showed ovulation and pregnancy as soon as they occurred!  Anyone seen the movie Wall-E?  Yeah, I wanna be like Eva and have a light turn on when life is growing inside me.  How awesome would that be.  No more guessing if there is a line or not.  No more needing blood tests...it just is or isn't.  *SIGH*  I hate being confused in my cycles.  I should never have taken that OPK...haha.  I'll post my chart (click the word chart there) so you can see what I am talking about.  Right now, I have it set to OPK watch mode so it says 1DPO.  If I put it on advanced, it says 9DPO...and so does FAM if I take out the 2nd +OPK.  With it, it has no idea when I O'd or even if I O'd!  TOTAL CONFUSION!  Gotta love it!

Pain

You know it sucks that people can't see the pain that people are going through.  It sucks to have to put on a happy face even when you're dying inside.  I hate it.  I swear every friend I have has posted they are pregnant this month.  I wanna know why I can't get that way???? I mean seriously.  This sucks more that I can even put into words!!  So tonight, I'm saying FTW!  Vodka is my friend and I am not going to hurt for at least one night!  I'm tired of worrying about it.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  I'm just plain old tired of being the one that CAN'T get pregnant and hold on to it.  I'm tired of being everyone's encouragement and smiling face.  I just want my baby!!!  I want any of the 14 I have lost!!  I want to hold just one in my arms...PLEASE???  I don't know what I did to make God decide I'm not good enough, but I wish I could change it.  I WANT MY BABY!!!!!

Options

I'm at a point where I'm wondering what my options are.  I can't do adoption unless it's private.  Even then I am not sure that I can do that because of the money.  Then there is surrogacy.  I don't know of anyone that would do that for us...especially without getting paid large amounts of money.  We would want to use my egg and his sperm....so that would mean doing egg retrieval.   Expensive in itself.  I just don't know if we are ever going to get pregnant on our own.  I don't know what else we can do.  We can't afford IVF.  My insurance doesn't cover it or IUIs anymore.  It doesn't even cover anything that has to do with fertility...well, other than a yearly pap.  I just want to bang my head against the wall!!  I'm so frustrated!  I never thought it would be this hard to get pregnant.  I never had issues getting pregnant before!  WHY did I have to get so sick and take all those horrible meds??  I don't understand any of it!  All I wanted was to be able to have my baby.  That's STILL all I want!  I'm so frustrated!!  I'm Angry!  I'm crushed!  I'm throwing my hands up now and saying isn't this much suffering enough?  I've lost 14 babies!!  14!!!!!!!!!!  When is enough ENOUGH??  When do I get to bring one home?  My heart aches for a baby that apparently I will never get.  It's been 4 years and 7 months.  Isn't that long enough??

CD7...again.

In Remembrance

 World Trade Center Towers

 The Pentagon

 Shanksville, PA Flight 93 crashed before it could make it to it's target thanks to the passengers aboard and their willingness to fight to save other people.

The memorials for the World Trade Center

 The memorial for the Pentagon

 

The memorial for flight 93

Ten years ago, today, we witnessed a life changing attack on American soil.  Thousands of lives were lost that day and many more in the years that followed because of this the events that took place on September 11, 2001.  My heart still breaks thinking of the devastation and loss incurred that day.  It amazes me that some people have all but forgotten the fear we all felt, the anger, the sense of patriotism that arose in all Americans that day.  I don't think I will ever understand how people could just go back to "life as usual" after something so horrible.  How can you forget?  I know I never will.

Where were you that morning?  Do you remember how it made you feel?  I do.  I was in CA on a military base with my 2 toddler sons and a brand new baby girl.  She was only a month old.  My husband was overseas and I remember being so afraid!  The base went on lockdown and and my husband's shop sent over another Airman to sit with me for a while so I didn't feel so alone.  My family was all in Texas and his was all in Kansas.  It was terrifying.  Life after September 11, 2001 was a nightmare on base.  You couldn't go anywhere without your active duty spouse with you....which was difficult since mine was overseas.  I had to have someone from the shop come to take me grocery shopping.  There were checkpoints all over base.  If you didn't have your military ID card on you, you were not going anywhere.  Gone were the days of care-free living.  Life on base was almost like being in prison.  We were scared to go anywhere off base for fear we wouldn't be able to get back on.  The security checks were terrifying.  It was unreal to see all the M-16s on the shoulders of all the troops that were patrolling the base.  It was very strange to live like that...especially here in America.  I was so proud of how NY was dealing with this tragedy.  I watched on TV for days on end.  I'm not sure I really slept much during the first few weeks after.  I remember waiting to hear from my husband that he was ok and hoping that there wouldn't be another attack as we all figured it would be somewhere on the west coast.  I was only 30 miles from San Francisco and 35 miles from Sacramento.  The thought of something like happening so close to me was utterly terrifying.  What grace and poise the people of New York had!!  I wanted to go help, but I knew there was no way I could with 3 babies at home and no one to watch them.  The first responder in me wanted to pick up and just go to help in any way I could.  It's amazing the response that we have when something horrible happens to our fellow Americans.  It's really sad that it takes a tragedy like this to bring us all together.  It's even more sad that just a short time after something like that we all return to the way we were.  There are still people hurting, yet we lose our vigilance after such a short time.  To our generation, this is our Pearl Harbor.  There should be outrage for decades....yet here we are only 1 decade past this unthinkable tragedy and you have people that could care less.  It's so sad.

This morning in church we did a special service.  They called it Patriot Day.  The images that we saw in the video montage were still able to strike emotion in the people that watched.  The song God Bless the USA brought tears to everyone's eyes that was over the age of 30, patriotism swelled in the hearts of those same people.  It made me wonder how the younger people felt.  They seemed so unphased by the pictures and as if this was "just another church service" to them.  Where is the respect and patriotism in our youth??  Have we really let this be forgotten by the very next generation??  What a sad day it is.

I hope that we as parents will teach out children about this.  Tell them that it happened to US, not just to the people of New York.  We should tell them how it made us feel...the good and the bad.  We should help them understand how much of a tragedy this has been.  Teach them about the heroes that day, the 343 firemen that went up into those towers in New York to help and were lost, the many policemen and women that were lost trying to help, the EMS crews that tried to save lives and help any way they could, the civilians that took it upon themselves to go running back into burning buildings to bring people out and were lost in the collapse.  Remember the people on the planes that had courage to fight back.  Teach them about the people that were lost.  Help them to see them as real people with families, and lives just like us.  Don't let the memory of this die only a decade after it occurred!  I know I will never forget!  God bless all the families and our country!

Miracles

If you thought miracles don't happen anymore, you are wrong!  Tonight a fellow BLM had her rainbow.  That in itself is a miracle, but more so because he was given a fatal diagnosis of Miller-Dierkers Syndrome and several heart defects.  He is here, alive, and doing well!  At the last update, he was even nursing!!  SO many prayers have gone up for this little guy.  He is precious and perfect!  We don't know how much time he will have with his family earthside, but every moment he is here is precious and wonderful!  Be praying that little Eli continues to defy the diagnosis and odds to spend a long time here with his family that loves him so much!!  Also be praying for his family to have strength to handle whatever they must go through now.  Thank you!!

Another miracle tonight is that the majority of the fires here in Texas are now contained!!!  Our brave fire fighters have worked so hard and continue to do so to fight these fires that are  raging all over this state.  Remember to thank your local fire fighters and first responders for all they do!  They sacrifice their safety for us on a daily basis.  If you are in Texas, please consider donating food and water to a department in East Texas as most of them are volunteer departments and their resources are being depleted quickly.  They not only need food and water, but gas for their trucks, or money to purchase gas.  Let's give back to these wonderful heroes that give so willingly of themselves for us!  

The last miracle that I'm going to share is a personal one!  AF finally showed up at 3:00 A.M.!!  I don't think I have ever been so happy!  Literally, no sooner had I almost screamed that I wished I knew where AF was, than she showed up!  Someone was listening!!  So, that puts me at CD2 as it is now 2:46 A.M.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!  Don't forget to remember the fallen of September 11, 2001 this Sunday.  Pray for their families and for their co-workers that are still here.  Never Forget!!

Q's without the A's

So many questions unanswered right now.  I just have this feeling that there will never be another sticky BFP for me.  My cycles are becoming more and more messed up and nothing seems to help.  I don't know what else to do about it.  Pray...that's all I can still do...and that's what I am doing.

Have you been here??  The point at which you throw in the towel and say this isn't working?  What was your next step?  Did you look into adoption?  Did you just give up all together?  I honestly don't know what mine will be.  We may have an opportunity for adoption, but no word on that since I last told you about it.  My insurance stopped covering fertility treatments, so any of those we want to pursue now will be out of pocket.  Unlike some, I really don't think we can afford it.  My heart is so broken.  All I want is my precious rainbow to hold in my arms, to bring home, to love, and cherish!!  I didn't think that was asking too much, but apparently God has other plans for me...what I don't know, though.

Currently I am sitting at 16DPO and no sign of AF.  I tested at 11DPO and 13 DPO with BFNs and again today...another BIG FAT NEGATIVE.  I just don't understand what my body is doing.  I hope I get some answers soon, though.

Please feel free to share your experiences with me if you've been here.  I'd appreciate the input!

Words of Encouragement

My mother has gotten into the habit of sharing her daily devotionals with my sister and me.  I look forward to these in the mornings when I check my email because they usually apply to something I happen to be going through at the time.  Coincidence?  I think not.  God hears the desires of our hearts as well as the pain, fear, brokenness, desperation...yup, He hears it all.  No one knows what we need and want and where we are in our lives and daily struggles like our Heavenly Father.  So, I thought for those of you reading that are going through something similar to me...or maybe not quite as similar...this morning's devotion might be helpful.  It REALLY struck a chord with me this morning!!  As you all know we have been trying to conceive for over four and a half years.  We've gone through loss after loss and yet, I keep trying.  To some that may seem crazy, to others it may seem desperate, but to my Heavenly Father, it shows my faith in Him that he hears my prayers and will give me what my heart desires.  This may not happen in MY time, but it will happen in HIS time.  So, here is the devotion.  I hope it speaks to you as it did to me!

September 2, 2011 Faith over Feelings Tracie Miles

"...for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5b (NIV)
I spent months working on it, with big expectations and high hopes. In the blink of an eye it was crushed. This reality tore into my heart like a jagged knife, ripping my dream into tiny little shreds. Disappointment was so great it was difficult to process my feelings. I had worked tirelessly on this project and now I felt disappointment and rejection.
Disappointment soon turned to irritation which morphed into resentment. I didn't FEEL it was fair.
Why didn't God answer my prayers? Why had He placed a dream in my heart only to allow it to crumble? Why had He let this happen? Why me?
I knew I needed to have a good attitude and not give up, but I did not FEEL like doing that at all!
Questions pummeled my brain. What is the use? Why try again? If God didn't answer my prayer after all this time, why bother keep trying?
I allowed my FEELings to overtake my FAITH.
All I could think about was how this disappointment made me feel, instead of what God may be doing that my faith could not see. I felt things weren't fair, without remembering God's ways are best. I felt a longing for immediate results, instead of trusting God's timing is perfect.
My feelings had gotten in the way of my faith, so I turned to Psalm 25 (NIV) for perspective. The following verses washed over my spirit.
Verse 1, "In you, LORD my God, I put my trust."
I felt discouraged, unworthy, hopeless, rejected. So I poured my feelings and my soul out to God. And He listened.
Verse 2, "I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me."
God reminded me to trust Him, not a desire or a dream. Not the world's view. Not my abilities. Not my timeframe. Not my ideas. Trust Him alone. I prayed about my enemies—intangible feelings such as self doubt, insecurity, frustration, and discouragement.
Verse 3, "No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause."
Regardless of whether or not my desires become a reality, I will not be put to shame, because God is my God. If His plans coincide with my dreams, I know He will keep His eternal promises.
Verses 4-5a, "Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me,"
These words stopped me in my tracks. I began to think more rationally. Why did I beat my head against a wall? Why was I consumed with anxiety and frustration? Was I allowing God to direct my paths? God gently reminded me He is the teacher, I am the student.
Verse 5b, "...for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
If I put my hope in my own desires and abilities, I set myself up for failure. My only hope for joy and fulfillment comes from Christ alone. Hope is found in Him, not people, a career, your husband or children, church, financial success, a carefree life, or dreams that come true.
Disappointments will happen. With God, however, we can turn those disappointments into God's appointments to trust Him. The first step is to exercise faith over feelings.
Dear Lord, You know the hurt in my heart and the sting of disappointments I have experienced. Please help me trust You, instead of being consumed by feelings. Empower me with a faith that is stronger than my emotions. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Related Resources:
Compassion International helps turn children's disappointments into God's appointments to trust Him. You can too! Sponsor a child today.
Reinventing Your Rainbow by Tracie Miles
Visit Tracie's blog for more encouragement in trusting God.
What to do in the W.A.I.T: Finding Contentment in God's Pauses and Plans (CD) by Wendy Pope

When you purchase resources through Proverbs 31 Ministries, you touch eternity because your purchase supports the many areas of hope-giving ministry we provide at no cost. We wish we could, but we simply can't compete with prices offered by huge online warehouses. Therefore, we are extremely grateful for each and every purchase you make with us. Thank you!

Application Steps:
Consider the disappointments you have experienced recently. Ask God to help your faith be more powerful than your feelings.
Unpack Psalm 25:1-5 verse by verse and apply it to your situation, with open ears to hear God's voice.
Reflections:
Am I allowing my feelings to guide my actions, or relying on my faith to help me move forward?
Have I asked God how He can use my disappointments to strengthen my faith in Him?
Have I sought God's direction in my situation?
Power Verses:
Psalm 78:7, "That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments..." (KJV)

© 2011 by Tracie Miles. All rights reserved.

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13 DPO and praying for a miracle rainbow!!