Time

Have you ever had something that you wanted to get here in a hurry because you were excited?  Do you remember how slow time seemed to crawl?  Isn't it crazy that time can move so slow when we want it to go fast and so fast when we want it to go slow?  Someday, someone needs to invent a time machine or at least a fast forward button so we can get to the points we want to get to, and maybe a pause button or slow motion button so we can stay in the times that we want to last longer.  Wouldn't that be great?  What brought this on, you ask?  You guessed it, the dreaded 2WW!  I feel like all I do is wait.  I wait to O, then it's here and gone in 24 hours, then I wait for AF or a BFP.  Then I wait for AF to stop or for my BFP to stick around longer than 6 weeks.  So wouldn't it be nice if I could just fast forward to O, slow motion through O, fast forward through the 2WW and then test and if it's positive, slow motion for a couple of days just to enjoy the fact that I got a BFP before moving on to the dread that it might go away, or fast forward through AF if it's a BFN.  Although this sounds nice, there are so many things that we would miss out on.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.  Ever heard the phrase, "Stop and smell the roses"?  Yeah, this phrase basically means to take your time and enjoy what's happening around you.  Enjoy the thrill of waiting, the butterflies that go crazy in your tummy right before you test.  Enjoy the feelings of your relationship with your spouse...the feelings of being in love and flirting with each other.  Enjoy trying to find ways to sneak off with each other and have "alone time".  When do we ever really stop and try to remember these feelings when we are TTC?  We pretty much don't.  It's all about the schedule your body dictates to you.  TTC takes precedence over all of those things, but maybe it shouldn't.  I'm not saying don't try.  I'm saying when you know you have to DTD on certain days, add some ROMANCE!  Oh wait...did you forget what that was?  Watch a movie in the dark...cuddle up with your spouse...hold hands, kiss, make out...feel what it's like to be back in the honeymoon phase...remember how much you wanted your spouse to touch you, hold you, kiss you....bring THAT back to TTC.  If for nothing else, it will make it more enjoyable and less like a crazy, mad, pressure-filled schedule that you MUST adhere to!  I must say that DH and I have kind of done this, this time around.  We've had some AMAZING moments and are playing, smiling, and teasing.  It's great to find that place again and discover your PASSION again.  That's right, I said PASSION!!!  Try it and see...maybe that will make the T-I-M-E pass more easily for you...I know it's helping for me!  Now, instead of waiting for test day to come, I'm waiting for DH to get off work and come home so I can spend time with him, just loving on him!  Have I mentioned I LOVE my husband?  I am truly blessed!!!!!

5 DPO....and who cares how long until testing...at least for now!  LOL

In the 2WW!!

Hello!  Sorry it's been a few days since I last posted.  This not having a computer thing is about to drive me bonkers!  So, I am officially in the 2 Week Wait.  I got my crosshairs on my chart yesterday!!  WOOT!  Now I just have to sit back and wait for the embryo (I'm being optimistic here) to implant and get all snuggly in there.  I won't test until 14 DPO, so in 10 days.  This part of the cycle goes by soooo slow!!!!!  Good thing I have a ton of things to do or I might just lose my mind during this 2WW.

I've been working on our portfolio for our company's website while my hubby is working on the website itself.  So far so good, I think.  When it's all done, I'll share it with you!  Hopefully, we will have it done in a couple of weeks!

I hope everyone is having a rocking weekend and that all is well in your lives!  I'll write more tomorrow!

4DPO...10 days until testing

YAY!!!

Ok, so after conferring with my girls from BBC, my CD 13 OPK was indeed + and not just close to +.  This was followed by two days of low temps and a temp spike today!!  YAY!!!  I can't wait to see tomorrow's temps!!!  I need tomorrows to be higher than today's and then the next day to be the same or higher!!  Come on crosshairs on Fertility Friend!  I really need those crosshairs.  I'm excited that I possibly O'd on CD 15, though!!  This is earlier than usual for me by a day, but my last cycle I didn't O until CD22 and that was on Soy Isoflavones (natural version of Clomid)!  So, this is a good sign that maybe the Vitex is working!  I will stay on the Vitex for the next 18 months unless I get a BFP before then, and I really hope I do!  So please keep your fingers crossed that I get that REALLY soon and it's SUPER STICKY!!!

Did any of you check out Faces of Loss?  How did you feel after reading some of the stories?  Were you aware how often losses occur?  I encourage you, if you've ever experienced a loss, to submit your story!  You never know who it might help!!

CD16....possibly 1 DPO!!!!!

Blood, Sweat, & Tears

No one ever tells you that getting pregnant is hard. The only message we hear is how easy it is. Ever hear, "It only takes once" or seen all the shows on teen pregnancy? Yeah...not saying it isn't easy for some, but there are others that have tried for years and yet here they are with no baby to show for all their efforts. Sometimes, it's more like blood, sweat, and so many tears. I am one of those. There are days when I wonder why I ever tried to prevent getting pregnant. Haha. It's actually hard work trying all those years and being disappointed time after time. You get your hopes up and do "everything right" and then when you are sure this is it, AF rears her ugly head and you have to start all over. This is where the tears come in. So many of us have cried our eyes out the moment we discover that first spot of blood. It is enough to ruin the best of days. I can honestly say that you haven't REALLY TTC'd until you have sat in a public restroom bawling your eyes out because AF showed. People look at you like you are crazy and wonder why this crazy lady is in hysterics over her period. If they only knew. The sweat part of this cycle is the fun part. At least it is for a little while. Eventually, it ends up being so scheduled, and purposeful, it loses almost all of its fun. I know many couples that have gone through the guy having performance anxiety of sorts or the woman just being as dry as the Sahara that it was impossible to make things happen. All of this just from the stress of trying so hard to get the one thing they desire more than anything....a baby. I've even seen this process tear marriages apart because it was so difficult. Why not try relaxing and NOT trying you say? Yeah, that is so much easier said than done for many of us. Many of us have fertility issues that require constant monitoring or medications that require you know EXACTLY when you ovulate and where you are in your cycle. For these women, yes, me included, there is no relaxing and being oblivious about our cycles. It will never happen for us by "NOT trying" or relaxing. Next time you think about telling a friend, family member, or coworkers to relax and let it happen naturally, bite your tongue because you may not know what they are dealing with. Not to mention that saying that to ANY woman TTC is just plain insensitive! The only thing that will make all the blood sweat and tears worth it is that precious baby in their arms screaming to the world that they have arrived! Some think it all ends with those famous double pink lines, but as too many of us know, that's just the beginning of the journey to get the ultimate prize. Many of us never make it there. So, next time you complain about your kids, remember that some lady out there would give to have the chance to go through your worst day with your kids with one of her very own.

Please, go check out this site and read some of the stories. Mine is also there.

Http://www.facesofloss.com

CD15...thinking I may have O'd today!

Disconnected

Well, I may not be able to post much for a few days...or longer. My laptop bit the dust today and now needs my hubby the computer tech to work on it. I hope it is salvageable, but I'm not gonna hold my breath! I will try to post from my phone, but I don't know how successful that will be! OPK today was negative again. So, I'm thinking sometime between Thursday and Sunday will be O day. Anyway, please keep checking back for new posts! I'm so glad you are reading and following my journey!! It's nice to know I'm not alone!! Love and hugs to you all!!

CD14...2-8 days until O

Dancing Queen

I think the above song says most of it...LOL  I'm the BD Queen!!  I'm in the mood for a dance!!  Oh yeah, that's right...the heat is on and the fire is burning....bring on the boys (by that I mean swimmers...haha)!!!

CD13 and soooooo close to +OPK!!!! 

Relief!

Well, my temp was a fluke and I did not O!!!!  YES!!!  I now have more time to get in BD!  WOOT!  So the picture above is of my OPKs. The first or top one is from CD8, then CD9, the next 2 are CD10 am and pm, and then CD11 and CD12. You'll notice the bottom one is much darker than the rest.  That is todays!  I am hoping that I will get a +OPK on Tuesday!  Then, if that happens, I will be taking my EPO until I get my temp spike!!  I'm getting a little excited!  I don't know why...I have no idea if we'll even catch the egg this time, but for some reason, I have hope.  I'm looking forward to that positive OPK!!

CD 12  3-10 days until possible O

Misbehaving Chart

You would think that charting your temps, your CP, and CM would give you a pretty clear idea of what's going on with your body, right?  Well, normally it would, but if you have a chart that misbehaves as mine does, you may never know what's going on in your female parts!  My chart refuses to behave and act as a chart should!  It should have a nice and neat appearance that conforms to most models of an ovulation pattern where ovulation falls directly on or a day before or after cycle day 14.  This should lead to a pattern that either shows a gorgeous 14 day luteal phase or a very obvious triphasic pattern.  This would be the behavior of a chart that behaves as it should!  Mine, however, does not fit this bill.  Mine runs amok as if there are no rules!  The unruly chart thinks it is able to do as it pleases and all to spite me!  HOW RUDE!  I will give you an example:

My chart starts on July 12, 2011 with a temp of 98.1.  From there, the temperatures are up and down until AF is gone.  This, however, is normal.  Then, AF is gone, my temperatures should find a steady up .1 degree, down .2 degrees, and back up .1 or .2 degrees until a few days before ovulation.  At this time, my temperatures should plummet into the depths only to rise again as the phoenix from the ashes!  My temperatures, however, decided to find themselves in a steady free fall from CD8 until today, CD11.  Today, they decided to rise from the ashes as a phoenix!!  Um, hello?  What happened to CD14??  What happened to a +OPK?? or time to BD for 3 days before??  I mean really?  My chart should confer with the OPKs I've been taking that say I have not ovulated therefore there should NOT be a thermal shift of .7 degrees!!  Who does this chart think it is????  Charlie Sheen???  Normally, my chart plays around in the days before ovulation for a while longer than it should, but still follows a discernible pattern with a later ovulation and a very nice 14 day luteal phase.  So, I want to know WHO told my chart that it could just up and change it's O day to CD10 from CD16-22??  Who told my chart that it was time to rise from the ashes when I haven't had a positive OPK, yet?  Honestly, I'd like to talk to the person in charge of this!!  It's absolutely a crime!  I now only had the one chance to BD and might get another tonight, but talk about making chances SLIM to catch that egg!!  POLICE!!  POLICE!!!  Where are the chart police when you need them!!!  ARREST THIS CHART!!  I DEMAND JUSTICE!!!  Just one more thing...can I keep the shorter cycle?

CD11....Possibly 1 DPO?????

Natural Remedies

I was looking online for nautral remedies for sinus infections, as I have another one.  I ran across some one telling a person that posted to use Apple Cider Vinegar, Honey, and hot water.  Really?  Ok, so I am desperate for something!  No antibiotics work on me anymore and my other options of Silva Solution Pro 50, Oreganol, and Olive Leaf Extract have not completely gotten rid of this.  So, I decided to give it a try...I mean how bad could it be?  Well, I can tell you it works!  It tastes horrible if you just do the ACV and honey, but if you make the "Apple Tea" it's not that bad.  So, I thought I would share the recipe with you all.  This is completely safe to take while TTC.  While pregnant, it is suggested that you use agave syrup or stevia instead of honey.

Apple Tea Remedy

2 Tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar (organic)

1 Tbsp Local Raw Honey (or substitute stevia or agave syrup)

8 oz. boiling water.

Mix ingredients well and breathe the steam from the cup in until it's cool enough to drink.  Then drink the tea 3x's a day until all symptoms are gone.

Maybe this will help some of you!  I know I've been doing this since last night and I already feel TONS better.  It immediately opened up my nasal passages so I could breathe and this morning it helped clear my chest.  If you are really stopped up you can do a half and half mixture of ACV and boiling water in a bowl and put a towel over your head and the bowl and breathe the steam.  That should help quite a bit.  I love natural remedies!!  No need for the doctor to shove chemicals down my throat and no need to deal with side effects from those meds!  I also found, in my quest for natural medicines, an OTC version of Armour Thyroid.  It's put out by Nutri-Meds and is desiccated porcine thyroid.  It's cheaper and I don't have to go to my doc to get a prescription for it!!  I can't wait to get mine in!  I ordered it last night.  If you are interested, here is the link (no I do not work for this company and am not getting paid for this plug): http://www.nutri-meds.com/thyroid_supplements_s/33.htm  They also have adrenal gland and natural progesterone in small doses.  This site is a great place to look if you can't get your doc to listen to what you believe is wrong with you.  They have questionaires that will help you find out what might be the problem.  Because I am not a doctor, I will put in the disclaimer of , "Please consult a doctor or naturopathic doctor before using any OTC herbal or natural remedies"

Ok, so today has been pretty uneventful for me.  I've fought the urge to use even more OPKs.  They are still haunting me and badgering me to use them, but one a day is plenty for now.  I wish I had the will power to not use any until Saturday, but alas, we see that hasn't worked!  So, I will continue to take one a day until they are almost positive and then I will go to twice a day just to make sure I don't miss my surge.  I talked my husband into getting me some instead cups to use this cycle, too.  Let's hope those help!!  I am noticing a difference in my CM (cervical mucous).  It is a cross between sticky (like rubber cement) and EW (egg-white).  I wonder if this means I will O sooner than normal?  Not according to my OPKs, but I'm still wondering.  Tonight we will start the BD(baby dancing) EOD (every other day) until I get my positive OPK.  I know, my husband is one lucky man, huh?  LOL  Once I get my positive OPK, we will start BD ED.  I'm excited to get to my fertile window so I can take my EPO (evening primrose oil), too!  Sorry for the boring post today, but maybe you're still laughing at yesterday's post!

CD10...6-10 days until probable O.

POAS Addict??

Do you look forward to getting your HPTs and OPKs in the mail or from the store each month?  Once you get them do they haunt you....call out to you....beg you to use them???  Mine do!!  If I get mine in the mail, I do good to not use them for a couple of days...then the haunting begins.  This time, I finally broke down on CD8...yup, that's right, CD8!  Do I know this is ridiculous?  OF COURSE!!  HAHA  Especially, since I don't ovulate until around CD16-22!  It's a complete waste of a test because I KNOW it's going to be negative, but for some odd reason, I just can't help it!!  I stare at them and tell myself no and just go pee in a hurry to get out of the bathroom.  I can even use another bathroom, but they call to me from across the house.  It's sheer torture to leave those test in there unopened, unused.  Isn't this abuse of OPKs and HPTs???  That's what they were made for, right?  Why shouldn't I test if they are there and begging to be used??  I would almost swear that they put some kind of spell on them that causes you to go into a trance-like state and do their bidding!!  (Not really because I don't believe in that stuff, but if I did, I'd totally be convinced!!)  They need to make groups for this kind of addiction!!  I know I'm not the only POAS (peeing on a stick) addict!!  I have seen many lurking on the different boards for people who are TTC.  They are out there and trying to hide their habit, but I am here to stand tall and say, "My name is Peach, and I am a POAS-a-holic!"  Who will stand with me??

CD9 7-11 days until possible O.....yes, the OPKs have been negative!  LOL

Waiting...

 Ever feel like all you do while TTC is wait?  Yeah, that's about where I am right now.  I'm waiting to start using my OPKs and to start baby dancing every other day.  Then when I get to that point it will be waiting to ovulate and baby dance every day until confirmed O.  Then, it will be the horrible two week wait to see if maybe we caught the egg.  If not, then it will be waiting on Aunt Flo to show and start all over again.  If we did, then it will be waiting for 36 weeks to see that precious bundle of joy.  WAIT WAIT WAIT...that's all this process is.  You really should be a person that has some serious patience if you are going to TTC.  Do I have patience?  Yeah...not so much!  LOL  Maybe this is how I am supposed to learn patience??  I dunno.  All I know is I want a fast forward button so I can get to my baby and get through all this WAITING!  It's almost as if I am back to being a military wife!  If you don't know their motto it's "Hurry up and wait!"  So how do you pass the time when you're waiting on something important?  I try to stay as busy as I can.  Here's my list of things to do while waiting:

Read a book

Watch a series marathon or movie

Do a yoga workout

Do a word find or crossword puzzle

Practice my horn

Work

Hang out with my sister-in-law

Text my BBC gals

FACEBOOK

Listen and dance to music

Bake

Catch up on beauty sleep

Go swimming

Take a walk with my husband

Go to the lake and look at the stars

Talk on the phone with friends and family

Clean house

Paint my fingernails and toenails

Pray for a BFP

Pray for a BFP

PRAY for a BFP  (LOL)

Still waiting....CD8....8-12 days until O

Courage and Faith

Today, I am trying to find the courage to put one foot in front of the other and to "get back in the saddle again" when it comes to TTC.  I'm really struggling this time.  I just feel like all of this is about hopeless.  So many people have sent encouraging words and wishes, but I still feel as if we're just going around the same loop all over again.  I need something to change.  My husband and I have talked about IUIs, as I stated in a previous post, but I just don't see how that is going to help anything.  Our problem isn't getting pregnant...it's holding on to a pregnancy.  I wish I had more confidence in my body!  I wish it would just do what it is supposed to do.

Yesterday, I heard a sermon in church that talked about bringing revival about.  The preacher talked about how sometimes you have to just let the Lord bend you or break you so that you turn completely to him.  All I can ask is, "How broken do I have to be?"  I've been so broken for over a year...with every pregnancy ending in loss.  I've cried more tears than I knew I had!  And then this small voice in the back of my head says, "You're still trying to do it all by yourself..."  I'm supposed to let go and let God handle it.  I've tried to do that, but then I keep taking it back and saying, "I'll do it!"  Why is it so hard to learn to let go and let God have it?  I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Sarah.

The Story of Abraham and Sarah (Children's Version) Once there was a man named Abram.  One day the Lord came to talk to Abram, and Abram asked, "Who will have all my things when I die".  God promised Abram and his wife Sarai that one day they would be parents, even though they were old and had no children. God wasn't sure that Abram understood.  So that night He took him outside, and said, "Do you see all the stars that are in the sky"?  When Abram looked up, the whole night sky was full of stars,  so many in fact that he would never be able to count them.  Then God said, "That is how many children you will have". Quite a few years later when Abram was ninety-nine years old (older than even your grandparents)  the Lord decided to change Abram's name to Abraham, which means "father of many."  He also changed Sarai's name to Sarah. God told them again that they would be parents and that they would have a boy. This time Abraham laughed so hard he fell on his face!  It was hard to believe that he and Sarah would have a child in their old age. One day three visitors came to Abraham's house.  He hurried to meet them.  "May I get you something to eat and drink?"  Abraham asked.  "Please come in and join us, and have a rest on the couch." The visitors agreed, so Abraham brought them some fresh bread, milk, and hamburgers. While the visitors were eating, they asked Abraham, "Where is your wife Sarah?"  Abraham thought this was a little  strange, but he replied, "She's in the other room". Then one of the men spoke and said, "I will come back to see you at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Now Sarah was listening behind the living room door.  She started to laugh, but covered her mouth and laughed to herself because she didn't want to be heard.  Then she said to herself, "How can I have a child, I'm almost one hundred years old?" Later when the visitors had left,  Abraham and Sarah realized that the man who had told them this was indeed God. A year later Sarah did have a son.  She and Abraham named him Isaac, which means "he laughs." They were very excited, and remembered to thank God for Isaac.

Maybe, I am just having to wait on God.  Maybe I just need to have more faith that God will give me my child in HIS time.  Maybe, I am having to learn patience?  All I know, is that God KNOWS my heart and my husband's heart.  He knows how much we long for a child and how difficult this road has been.  So maybe I need to get on my knees and ask God to bend me to His will and to show me the path on which I am to be.

So, Lord, please, bend me and shape me.  Make me your own, Lord.  I am just the clay and you are the potter.  I know your work will be so much more amazing than my own.  Grant me the patience to wait for your timing and the perseverance to get through the waiting with grace, peace, and a beautiful spirit.  Help me to be a beacon of hope for others and a help to them along the way.  Lord, I pray you take the bitterness from my heart and help me to have only love and joy.  Give me the courage to follow YOUR lead and not to head off in my own direction thinking I can do this all myself.  Help me to remember that I can do ALL things through you, because you give me strength.  Thank you, Lord, in advance for the precious gift you have in store for my husband and me.  AMEN!

CD7...7-13 days until O

Riding Out the Storm

 A Beacon of Hope

When out on a ship in the stormy sea,
filled with fear and anxiety,
seeking a refuge in the night,
a strong and steady guiding light
to reassure and relieve the fright,
a lighthouse offers security.

As the lighthouse stands on a distant shore,
giving hope where there was none before,
providing a light that is steady and true,
helping the ship come safely through,
a strong fortress to navigate to,
it's a beacon of hope as the waves crash and roar.

When overcome by life's stormy sea,
frightened and filled with uncertainty,
God is a refuge in the night,
a sure, dependable guiding light,
providing a love that is always bright,
a beacon of hope for you and me.

~ Connie Arnold ~

Today, I'm still riding out the storm.  The bleeding, cramping, fatigue, and nausea are still almost unbearable.  The only thing that makes it better is the Cramp Bark I was so blessed to find.  If you have horrible cramps or are going through a miscarriage, I cannot recommend this stuff enough!  It's amazing. (Here's a link so you can check it out: http://www.herbalextractsplus.com/cramp-bark.cfm   NO, I don't make anything off of it.  I'm not affiliated with this site at all.)  I'm still dealing with the emotional side of things, too.  I don't want to go do anything, or go anywhere.  I just want to sleep or lose myself in the TV or online.  Anything is better than thinking about it all.  I am so tired, but I'm sure that's the Cramp Bark or the depression.  I know I'll perk back up once we get past the storm and into the clear again.  Why does it seem to take so long?  I hate this part.  Just a few days more to go...hopefully, no longer than that.  I know it would help if I had girlfriends around that I could hang out with or that would drag me out to go do things.  I could probably use a good laugh right about now.  Unfortunately, I don't.  No one understands what it's like to go through what we've been going through...they don't know what to say...so they just stay away.  Great, huh?  It's almost as if they think infertility is catching...lol  I long for the days where I will have play dates and birthday parties and mommy's day out gatherings.  When will it be my turn???  I know, I know...just take one day at a time.  That's all I can do, really.  It's not like I have a fast forward button or anything.  Oh how I wish I did, though!  I'd love to skip all of this infertility and get to my baby!

I have always admired women that can go through a storm and come out on the other side just beautiful and loving.  I wonder if I will be one of those or if I will be haggard looking, worse for wear, and bitter?  I pray that God will help me to be one of those sweet people that go through it and come out perfectly fine.  Maybe you guys can pray for that for me, too?  Right now I don't feel like I'm headed in the direction of perfectly fine, but more toward the haggard and bitter direction.  That's not what I want to be, but I wonder how much control we really have over that?  Maybe it's just about strength...or having a good support system...or maybe it's about healing...I don't know.  I just hope I make it there.  I don't want this ship to sink in the storm.

CD4...10-16 days until O

Back On The Merry-Go-Round

When people think of Merry-Go-Rounds images of carnivals and fairs, laughter and friends, cotton candy and candy apples, horses, music, and lights are conjured up in ones imagination.  Well, for me, the Merry-Go-Round isn't actual, but is none the less quite the same.  No, it doesn't bring to mind happy thoughts of friends, laughter, music, horses, cotton candy, fairs, etc.  It makes me think of cycle days, temping in the mornings, taking every known fertility supplement, peeing in a cup, dipping a test stick, waiting for those two pink lines on the OPK to be equally as dark, scheduling sex, not moving for 30 minutes afterwards while your legs are in the air and your butt is propped up on a pillow, waiting during that horrible two week wait to see what your temps do, crying about there being no possibility that you caught the egg this cycle, and finally testing and waiting to see those elusive two pink lines that signal all your efforts FINALLY worked...or only seeing that one lone pink line in the control and crying for hours that it didn't happen one more time.  This is my Merry-Go-Round. Sometimes this "Merry-Go-Round" isn't so merry.  I can definitely attest to that.

Today my OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) and HPTs (home pregnancy tests) came in.  All the supplies to start over from square one are in hand and here we go again.  I had my husband get me some Vitex to take this time, too.  So my arsenal consists of RRL tea (red raspberry leaf), Vitex, EPO (evening primrose oil), green tea, B complex, prenatals, OPKs, progesterone cream, HPTs, and my thyroid meds. *sigh*    So, how do you go about picking up the pieces so you can move forward?  Well, it all depends on how you feel.  Some women are ready to start trying again right away, some are afraid to try again and suffer another loss, and some call it quits for a while until they are healed physically and emotionally.  It took me 2 years to start trying again after I lost Sarah.  I wasn't able to just start over.  I mourned the loss of my daughter and I still do.  I wanted her more than I can possibly tell you.  Now, I'm not saying I don't mourn the loss of each child, but I had so much more time with Sarah.  I got to carry her for 24 weeks and 2 days.  I got to hold her in my arms and touch her sweet face.  That made it different.  I love every baby from before it is ever conceived....we want a child more than anything!  I am so desperate to have a child now, before it's too late, that the drive to try again just takes over.  Never in a million years did I think it would take us this long to get our precious baby.  So, we march on toward our goal trying everything we can think of to make it work.  We hope that one day, we will get our take home baby. 

It's so hard to keep having faith...more so that I think I have ever admitted to anyone.  My heart is crushed with each loss and aches with each cycle that we have no results.  God wouldn't put this desire to have a child in my heart if I'm not supposed to have one, right??  I wish I could describe the ache I have in my heart for a child.  I just don't think there are words to describe it.  I'm telling you there will be no more happy mother in the world than I, when and if I ever get my rainbow!!  That will be the most amazing rainbow ever created or seen!  Someday, I hope to be able to share that with you!

So, from here, I will keep you up to date on where I am in my cycle and what we are doing.  I might even link my FF (fertility friend) chart to here so you can follow our journey.  All I know is that I can't stop now...as much as I don't want to go through another loss, AGAIN, the desire for my child overshadows all my fears.  So, here we go again...back on the Merry-Go-Round.  CD (cycle day) 3....11 to 17 days until O time.

Being Proactive

There is one thing that I can tell all pregnant women.  If you take nothing else from this blog, please, please, heed this advice.  If you feel like something is wrong, don't call your doctor or a friend or anyone else...don't tell yourself you are being stupid...GO IN!  I have seen too many babies die because doctors were so unconcerned with lack of movement or contractions that weren't regular or pains that weren't contractions.  DOCTORS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!!!  In fact, they get desensitized to all the pregnancy complaints because they see the "status quo" first time mom that doesn't know what to expect, everyday.  Remember that this is YOUR baby!!  Don't worry if the doctors think you are being paranoid or whatever...go with your gut!  YOU know your body better than ANYONE else.  If it turns out nothing is wrong, GREAT!!!  If it turns out there is, then you can know you did EVERYTHING in your power to help your baby!  Remember that you have to be the one to protect that baby in your ever expanding belly.  No one else is going to do it for you.  Most people will just say oh, do kick counts or the baby is probably sleeping or you're just being a worry wart.  OH WELL!!  In my opinion, this makes you the best mother EVER!!  The fact that you are in tune enough with your body and baby to know when something has changed shows that you are MORE THAN prepared to be a mom...and you're gonna be a GREAT one!  Going in and not waiting could be the difference in you taking your baby home or you going home without your precious little one.  That's not something I want anyone to go through.  There is no pain like losing a child!  Be PROACTIVE, ladies....trust your feelings!  BABY DUST and healthy wishes to all you mommies-to-be out there!

Loss

We're back to square one.  I feel like a broken record.  "I can't wait to O (ovulate)", "I hate the TWW (two week wait)", "I got my BFP (big fat positive)!!", "We lost the baby...", "On to next cycle."  When does the loop stop?  This makes 14 times around the same loop.  I just don't think I can handle much more.  I don't understand why I can't have my baby.  I'm angry that I can't have it here in my arms, that we have to start over again, that crack whores and teenagers can have babies without trying (see I told you I've asked that and thought that before...here it is again).  I'm sad that I won't get to hold this baby, that I can't hold any of my 14 lost babies.  I'm frustrated that even though my progesterone has been figured out, it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy that last longer than 5 - 6 weeks.  Then I ask myself if maybe I took something while I was sick that caused this to happen.  Did I not do enough research on the herbs and homeopathic remedies?  I know I did, but this is still something I ask.  Then I feel sorry that my husband got stuck with me...a woman that obviously can't give him a child.  He deserves so much better.  He's such a good daddy and is such a good husband, doesn't he deserve to be able to hold that baby, too??  My heart is broken, but I put on a happy face.  No one likes to listen to a defeatist or a complainer, right?  So I say I'm OK, and go on.  I wonder if anyone notices that my heart is shattered in pieces almost too small to put back together?  I must have one seriously hard head to keep trying.  Have I not gotten the message that I'm apparently not supposed to have another baby?  You would think after 14 losses I would quit banging my head against that brick wall, right?  Nope...hubby and I actually talked about IVF (in vitro fertilization) today.  We so cannot afford it.  There is no way we can come up with the $10K+ that it takes to do that.  Unfortunately, I think at this point, it's going to be our only option.  We'll try some other things first like injectibles and IUIs (intrauterine insemination), but in the end, I'm pretty sure it's going to take IVF.  I'm 34 years old...I don't have a whole lot of fertile time left.  I don't want to wait 2-3 years to get the money together. The thought of having to wait that long just makes me want to scream and hit things!!  Why does this have to be so hard???  PLEASE GOD, you know my heart, you know how much I want to have another baby!!!!  YOU KNOW how important this is to us!!  We are trusting in you to help us have the child we want so much!!  PLEASE, GOD!!  Let us have our baby!!!!!!

Thinking of the Future...

So, this may seem a little off topic for some of you, but if you really think about it, it's not.  When you are bringing a baby into this world you really start to look at what the future will be like for your child.  I read an article today about a lady in Oak Park, MI that faces 93 days in jail for growing a vegetable garden. ( check out the article here: http://tinyurl.com/68mmmgh) REALLY???  Is this what my child has to look forward to???  When did our government become a Nazi regime?  If I want to grow my own vegetables, I will!  Heaven forbid we do anything that might make us SELF reliant instead of dependent on the state/government!  If it's this bad now, what will it be like in 18 years when my little one is heading out into the world.  Will we have any freedoms left?  And we thought the only fear for us Rainbow moms was getting the baby here!  Wow...how wrong I was!

I recently campaigned for a lady, Debra Medina, for Texas Governor.  She had some great ideas!  She talked about eliminating property taxes so we could actually OWN our own land.  This would keep people from losing their houses for not paying property taxes...how cool would that be?  She really put a lot of thought into what our freedoms are supposed to be and how to get them back.  There are so many places, now days, where the government is over-reaching.  Since when do we rely on the government to tell us how to eat, how to raise our kids, how to show our patriotism, how to pray, how to keep our yards, how to spend our money, or how to treat our medical issues?  Honestly, this scares me.  Why would I ask a congressman or senator that doesn't have a M.D. how to go about treating my illnesses?  Why would I ask them how to raise my children when the majority of them have no morals??  I am utterly afraid of the world I will be bringing this child into.  Obviously, I'm trying to do something about it, though.  I have become aware and have started fighting back for my freedoms!  Maybe if we all did this, our world would be a much better place to raise children in!

OK, I will get off my soapbox for now.  I know most of you are thinking, "Yep, those pregnancy hormones are kicking in, alright!"  Well, yes, and no.  I'm sure I do have some pregnancy hormones, but for the most part I've been like this since my eyes were opened up to all the corruptness of our government.  More so, even still, since I've been watching this country turn 180 degrees from it's ideals and principles.  It just irks me to see a once great country crumbling.  It breaks my heart.

Today, I am feeling pretty good.  So far, no cramping, no spotting.  I hope this keeps up!!  I really do!  I'm actually starting to get a little excited.  I know, I know, don't get too excited....there is still a very long road ahead of me and I'm still in the danger zone. *sigh*  I will be glad when I hit my first milestone!  I think I will feel a lot better then.  I hope!  4 weeks 6 days, and an eternity to go....

Staying busy...

Not much going on today in my world other than worrying about this pregnancy.  So, I have been trying to stay busy all day.  I've started tweeting for my presidential candidate, watched the race and cheered Dale Jr. on until he blew a tire, and made lasagna...lol  This isn't to mention all the time spent talking to my fellow Baby Loss Moms and friends.  When I stop doing something, my mind wanders back to all the what ifs....and that's not good.  I have to stay calm and relaxed so this baby decides it likes it in there!!  I hope everyone had a great day and an even better weekend over all!  I'm keeping my chin up and looking forward...not back!  4w5d and an eternity to go....

Being Scared

When you are in a rainbow pregnancy (pregnancy after a loss), everything is that much more terrifying!  Every little twinge, test, doctor appointment, and milestone is scary...even agonizing.  How do you deal with this?  I guess it's different for each person, but I know that having people to talk to that have been through this and prayer are the things that are helping me the most.   Without my special groups of rainbow moms, I don't think I could get through each day without having a panic attack.  Prayer helps me get through each day regardless of the fear.  I love that I can go to God and tell him my biggest worries and fears knowing that he's heard them and will handle them.  Sometimes, though, it's difficult to give it all over to him...and sometime you just need to hear an encouraging word from someone who's been there and done that.  The rainbow moms that I know are so supportive and are there as soon as you need them, whether good or bad.  It's a whole community of women that will never be able to have that "blissfully ignorant pregnancy".  We've all been through some of the hardest things ever.  We KNOW what can happen...and does happen....we've lived it.  Most people will never understand what we go through.  Most think that a rainbow pregnancy should cure all, but it doesn't.  It doesn't replace the baby or babies you've lost.  It terrifies you to death until you've passed your personal milestone of your loss, or until you hold that precious crying baby in your arms.  It's bittersweet.  Are you thrilled to be pregnant again?  SURE!!  And then the fear takes over...  That is the whole reason this blog even exists...so I can learn to deal with my fear of losing one more precious baby.  I'm afraid to even get my hopes up.  So many have just passed through my fingers and gone away...why would this one be any different?  There is also a fear that you will NEVER get your rainbow that hides in with all the other fears.  It makes you ask things like, "Am I not a good enough mother?"  "Does God not think I'm fit to be a mom again?"  "What did I do that was so wrong I deserve that?"  "Why did it have to be MY baby?"  "Why can't I have my baby when all the crack whores in the world can have theirs?"  This is honestly fear talking...disguised as jealousy, or anger.  I know I have asked those questions more times than I can count.  I'm so tired of living in fear!!  I just want to enjoy this pregnancy and end up with a precious baby crying in my arms!  That's all I want...really.  But alas, my fear will go on until this baby is no longer with me or it is in my arms crying...4 weeks 4 days...and an eternity to go.....

SLEEP!

So, today, I have been so tired!!!  I can tell you the progesterone is definitely kicking my butt!  HA HA  All I want to do is sleep!  I was like that with my first baby 14 years ago.  I remember being at work and not being able to keep my eyes open!  There is a certain kind of tired you only get when you are pregnant.  You feel it in your bones!  It's crazy!  It's like your bed is constantly calling your name...haunting you...begging you to come lay down in it's soft embrace.   Oh, bed...why do you tempt me so???

How we got here...

I was encouraged by a friend to start blogging my experience...so here we go.

Welcome!  I am "Peach" and I am 34 years old.  I have 3 beautiful children that I adore with all my heart, 1 precious angel, Sarah, and 12 other little angels. My husband and I have been trying to conceive since February of 2007.  It's been a long road and had many ups and downs.  In the last year alone we have had 7 miscarriages.  Needless to say it's been a rough year.  Well, this past Sunday we found out that we are expecting again.  This is a very scary time for us.  I don't know if we'll get anywhere this time, but I am hoping and praying with all my might!

So, to start this off, I got my beautiful BFP on Sunday, July 3, 2011!  My EDD is March 12, 2012.  The neat thing about this pregnancy is that the conception occurred on my Angel Baby Sarah's birthday.  I don't know about you, but I believe that is a sign!  Not to mention my EDD is my Sister-In-Law's birthday!!  This just feels like it's meant to be.  Maybe I am stupid for getting my hopes up with my track record, but I'm going to trust that God sent me those signs and this is my sticky sticky baby!!

Today, I am 4 weeks and 3 days.  I will be happy to make it past 6 weeks and 4 days...that's my first milestone.  That's the longest I have carried in the past year.  So, that will be my marker for starting to get excited.  Here's to hoping we make it that far!!