Pictures of Rainbows

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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Loss

We're back to square one.  I feel like a broken record.  "I can't wait to O (ovulate)", "I hate the TWW (two week wait)", "I got my BFP (big fat positive)!!", "We lost the baby...", "On to next cycle."  When does the loop stop?  This makes 14 times around the same loop.  I just don't think I can handle much more.  I don't understand why I can't have my baby.  I'm angry that I can't have it here in my arms, that we have to start over again, that crack whores and teenagers can have babies without trying (see I told you I've asked that and thought that before...here it is again).  I'm sad that I won't get to hold this baby, that I can't hold any of my 14 lost babies.  I'm frustrated that even though my progesterone has been figured out, it hasn't resulted in a pregnancy that last longer than 5 - 6 weeks.  Then I ask myself if maybe I took something while I was sick that caused this to happen.  Did I not do enough research on the herbs and homeopathic remedies?  I know I did, but this is still something I ask.  Then I feel sorry that my husband got stuck with me...a woman that obviously can't give him a child.  He deserves so much better.  He's such a good daddy and is such a good husband, doesn't he deserve to be able to hold that baby, too??  My heart is broken, but I put on a happy face.  No one likes to listen to a defeatist or a complainer, right?  So I say I'm OK, and go on.  I wonder if anyone notices that my heart is shattered in pieces almost too small to put back together?  I must have one seriously hard head to keep trying.  Have I not gotten the message that I'm apparently not supposed to have another baby?  You would think after 14 losses I would quit banging my head against that brick wall, right?  Nope...hubby and I actually talked about IVF (in vitro fertilization) today.  We so cannot afford it.  There is no way we can come up with the $10K+ that it takes to do that.  Unfortunately, I think at this point, it's going to be our only option.  We'll try some other things first like injectibles and IUIs (intrauterine insemination), but in the end, I'm pretty sure it's going to take IVF.  I'm 34 years old...I don't have a whole lot of fertile time left.  I don't want to wait 2-3 years to get the money together. The thought of having to wait that long just makes me want to scream and hit things!!  Why does this have to be so hard???  PLEASE GOD, you know my heart, you know how much I want to have another baby!!!!  YOU KNOW how important this is to us!!  We are trusting in you to help us have the child we want so much!!  PLEASE, GOD!!  Let us have our baby!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Jenny I hate this so much for you! I just want you to have your sticky bean too....it will just wait a few more months and you will be sticking like glue!

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