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Monday, July 18, 2011

Courage and Faith

Today, I am trying to find the courage to put one foot in front of the other and to "get back in the saddle again" when it comes to TTC.  I'm really struggling this time.  I just feel like all of this is about hopeless.  So many people have sent encouraging words and wishes, but I still feel as if we're just going around the same loop all over again.  I need something to change.  My husband and I have talked about IUIs, as I stated in a previous post, but I just don't see how that is going to help anything.  Our problem isn't getting pregnant...it's holding on to a pregnancy.  I wish I had more confidence in my body!  I wish it would just do what it is supposed to do.

Yesterday, I heard a sermon in church that talked about bringing revival about.  The preacher talked about how sometimes you have to just let the Lord bend you or break you so that you turn completely to him.  All I can ask is, "How broken do I have to be?"  I've been so broken for over a year...with every pregnancy ending in loss.  I've cried more tears than I knew I had!  And then this small voice in the back of my head says, "You're still trying to do it all by yourself..."  I'm supposed to let go and let God handle it.  I've tried to do that, but then I keep taking it back and saying, "I'll do it!"  Why is it so hard to learn to let go and let God have it?  I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Sarah.

The Story of Abraham and Sarah
(Children's Version)

Once there was a man named Abram.  One day the Lord came to talk to Abram, and Abram asked, "Who will have all my things when I die".  God promised Abram and his wife Sarai that one day they would be parents, even though they were old and had no children.
God wasn't sure that Abram understood.  So that night He took him outside, and said, "Do you see all the stars that are in the sky"?  When Abram looked up, the whole night sky was full of stars,  so many in fact that he would never be able to count them.  Then God said, "That is how many children you will have".
Quite a few years later when Abram was ninety-nine years old (older than even your grandparents)  the Lord decided to change Abram's name to Abraham, which means "father of many."  He also changed Sarai's name to Sarah.
God told them again that they would be parents and that they would have a boy. This time Abraham laughed so hard he fell on his face!  It was hard to believe that he and Sarah would have a child in their old age.
One day three visitors came to Abraham's house.  He hurried to meet them.  "May I get you something to eat and drink?"  Abraham asked.  "Please come in and join us, and have a rest on the couch."
The visitors agreed, so Abraham brought them some fresh bread, milk, and hamburgers.
While the visitors were eating, they asked Abraham, "Where is your wife Sarah?"  Abraham thought this was a little  strange, but he replied, "She's in the other room".
Then one of the men spoke and said, "I will come back to see you at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."
Now Sarah was listening behind the living room door.  She started to laugh, but covered her mouth and laughed to herself because she didn't want to be heard.  Then she said to herself, "How can I have a child, I'm almost one hundred years old?"
Later when the visitors had left,  Abraham and Sarah realized that the man who had told them this was indeed God.
A year later Sarah did have a son.  She and Abraham named him Isaac, which means "he laughs."
They were very excited, and remembered to thank God for Isaac.

Maybe, I am just having to wait on God.  Maybe I just need to have more faith that God will give me my child in HIS time.  Maybe, I am having to learn patience?  All I know, is that God KNOWS my heart and my husband's heart.  He knows how much we long for a child and how difficult this road has been.  So maybe I need to get on my knees and ask God to bend me to His will and to show me the path on which I am to be.

So, Lord, please, bend me and shape me.  Make me your own, Lord.  I am just the clay and you are the potter.  I know your work will be so much more amazing than my own.  Grant me the patience to wait for your timing and the perseverance to get through the waiting with grace, peace, and a beautiful spirit.  Help me to be a beacon of hope for others and a help to them along the way.  Lord, I pray you take the bitterness from my heart and help me to have only love and joy.  Give me the courage to follow YOUR lead and not to head off in my own direction thinking I can do this all myself.  Help me to remember that I can do ALL things through you, because you give me strength.  Thank you, Lord, in advance for the precious gift you have in store for my husband and me.  AMEN!

CD7...7-13 days until O

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