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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Back On The Merry-Go-Round

When people think of Merry-Go-Rounds images of carnivals and fairs, laughter and friends, cotton candy and candy apples, horses, music, and lights are conjured up in ones imagination.  Well, for me, the Merry-Go-Round isn't actual, but is none the less quite the same.  No, it doesn't bring to mind happy thoughts of friends, laughter, music, horses, cotton candy, fairs, etc.  It makes me think of cycle days, temping in the mornings, taking every known fertility supplement, peeing in a cup, dipping a test stick, waiting for those two pink lines on the OPK to be equally as dark, scheduling sex, not moving for 30 minutes afterwards while your legs are in the air and your butt is propped up on a pillow, waiting during that horrible two week wait to see what your temps do, crying about there being no possibility that you caught the egg this cycle, and finally testing and waiting to see those elusive two pink lines that signal all your efforts FINALLY worked...or only seeing that one lone pink line in the control and crying for hours that it didn't happen one more time.  This is my Merry-Go-Round. Sometimes this "Merry-Go-Round" isn't so merry.  I can definitely attest to that.

Today my OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) and HPTs (home pregnancy tests) came in.  All the supplies to start over from square one are in hand and here we go again.  I had my husband get me some Vitex to take this time, too.  So my arsenal consists of RRL tea (red raspberry leaf), Vitex, EPO (evening primrose oil), green tea, B complex, prenatals, OPKs, progesterone cream, HPTs, and my thyroid meds. *sigh*    So, how do you go about picking up the pieces so you can move forward?  Well, it all depends on how you feel.  Some women are ready to start trying again right away, some are afraid to try again and suffer another loss, and some call it quits for a while until they are healed physically and emotionally.  It took me 2 years to start trying again after I lost Sarah.  I wasn't able to just start over.  I mourned the loss of my daughter and I still do.  I wanted her more than I can possibly tell you.  Now, I'm not saying I don't mourn the loss of each child, but I had so much more time with Sarah.  I got to carry her for 24 weeks and 2 days.  I got to hold her in my arms and touch her sweet face.  That made it different.  I love every baby from before it is ever conceived....we want a child more than anything!  I am so desperate to have a child now, before it's too late, that the drive to try again just takes over.  Never in a million years did I think it would take us this long to get our precious baby.  So, we march on toward our goal trying everything we can think of to make it work.  We hope that one day, we will get our take home baby. 

It's so hard to keep having faith...more so that I think I have ever admitted to anyone.  My heart is crushed with each loss and aches with each cycle that we have no results.  God wouldn't put this desire to have a child in my heart if I'm not supposed to have one, right??  I wish I could describe the ache I have in my heart for a child.  I just don't think there are words to describe it.  I'm telling you there will be no more happy mother in the world than I, when and if I ever get my rainbow!!  That will be the most amazing rainbow ever created or seen!  Someday, I hope to be able to share that with you!

So, from here, I will keep you up to date on where I am in my cycle and what we are doing.  I might even link my FF (fertility friend) chart to here so you can follow our journey.  All I know is that I can't stop now...as much as I don't want to go through another loss, AGAIN, the desire for my child overshadows all my fears.  So, here we go again...back on the Merry-Go-Round.  CD (cycle day) 3....11 to 17 days until O time.

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