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Friday, July 8, 2011

Being Scared

When you are in a rainbow pregnancy (pregnancy after a loss), everything is that much more terrifying!  Every little twinge, test, doctor appointment, and milestone is scary...even agonizing.  How do you deal with this?  I guess it's different for each person, but I know that having people to talk to that have been through this and prayer are the things that are helping me the most.   Without my special groups of rainbow moms, I don't think I could get through each day without having a panic attack.  Prayer helps me get through each day regardless of the fear.  I love that I can go to God and tell him my biggest worries and fears knowing that he's heard them and will handle them.  Sometimes, though, it's difficult to give it all over to him...and sometime you just need to hear an encouraging word from someone who's been there and done that.  The rainbow moms that I know are so supportive and are there as soon as you need them, whether good or bad.  It's a whole community of women that will never be able to have that "blissfully ignorant pregnancy".  We've all been through some of the hardest things ever.  We KNOW what can happen...and does happen....we've lived it.  Most people will never understand what we go through.  Most think that a rainbow pregnancy should cure all, but it doesn't.  It doesn't replace the baby or babies you've lost.  It terrifies you to death until you've passed your personal milestone of your loss, or until you hold that precious crying baby in your arms.  It's bittersweet.  Are you thrilled to be pregnant again?  SURE!!  And then the fear takes over...  That is the whole reason this blog even exists...so I can learn to deal with my fear of losing one more precious baby.  I'm afraid to even get my hopes up.  So many have just passed through my fingers and gone away...why would this one be any different?  There is also a fear that you will NEVER get your rainbow that hides in with all the other fears.  It makes you ask things like, "Am I not a good enough mother?"  "Does God not think I'm fit to be a mom again?"  "What did I do that was so wrong I deserve that?"  "Why did it have to be MY baby?"  "Why can't I have my baby when all the crack whores in the world can have theirs?"  This is honestly fear talking...disguised as jealousy, or anger.  I know I have asked those questions more times than I can count.  I'm so tired of living in fear!!  I just want to enjoy this pregnancy and end up with a precious baby crying in my arms!  That's all I want...really.  But alas, my fear will go on until this baby is no longer with me or it is in my arms crying...4 weeks 4 days...and an eternity to go.....

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